Baby Makes 2

A Positive Change

2012-03-05T22:15:00.000-05:00

Photo challenge ‘commute’ can befound here.

You know this blog has helped me inmany ways. Of course connecting with wonderfulpeople like all of you is a big part. Another way that this blog helps that I didn’t really expect is that Iwrite my thoughts and I notice negative and positive trends in my thinking thataren’t obvious in daily life. It’shelped me to see who I am.

Overall I think I handle infertilitypretty well. But when I see the patternslike those of the past couple days where I’m stressed and anxious, I realizethat it does have a big impact on the parts of my life that aren’t directly relatedto fertility.

Sometimes things burrow under myskin and fester. I worry generally, butoverall I’m pretty laid back and balanced. I don’t overreact or have emotional outbursts. But I’ve noticed that in the week or sobefore an embryo transfer I’m prone to feeling overwhelmed with things thatwouldn’t normally bother me.

I have many negative thoughts. I was washing dishes last night and wonderingwhat would go wrong next in my infertility journey. What other unfair, out of control, unexpectedevent would possibly happen that will prevent me from getting pregnant. Again.

I think about Mother’s Day. Will I finally be pregnant this year and Ithink probably not, something else will surely go wrong? This summer, will I be looking for a dip inthe lake with a pregnant belly or will I prefer to stay at home hidden awayfrom people and happy to just be alone.

I don’t know how to fix thisthinking and I don’t really like it.

But today may have taken a strangeturn. I wouldn’t normally classifymyself as being lucky. I work hard forwhat I get and I’ve never received anything I didn’t deserve and I’ve not receivedmany things that I did deserve. Ingeneral, life doesn’t come easy to me but I’m okay with that. I can work hard.

But today perhaps I’ve had apositive change. I got some things thatI didn’t have to work hard for.

I’ve got a job interviewWednesday. Okay in fairness, this is becauseI worked hard and have a good reputation.

I emailed Q.uicken aobut C.ashM.anager and they provided a link and instructions for the upgraded version oftheir software, which is normally not cheap. Hello, and thank you, just thank you.

I just wrote a test for myinvestment class which I was not prepared for (at all). With 10 minutes left I figured I would fail. With 2 minutes left I quickly read theremaining questions and guessed (yes, guessed) at some answers. I didn’t even answer 2 questions and yet receiveda mark of 21 out of 25. How is that evenpossible?

Now the negative infertile in merecalls another cycle where I had some luck the week before a transfer and didn’tget pregnant, but today I’m going to try something new. I’m going to think that my good luck andkarma is something new in my life.

Oh, donor has monitoring tomorrow sothe clinic should be able to tell me if I can book my flights and the flightsale ends tomorrow. Keep your fingerscrossed that I might save a couple hundred bucks.

I started getting some bloating inmy uterus area the past couple nights.

Arrrrrgggg

2012-03-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

Photo challenge ‘illuminate’ can befound here. Warning, this shot is fish-tastic.

I’m quite annoyed this evening. I have the greatest intentions of tracking mymoney and budgeting in Q.uicken C.ash M.anager. Today I spent hours getting caught up (well actually I only got closerto being caught up. Caught up is stillmany hours away), only to have some frigging corruption occur that actuallydeleted my backup from earlier today. SoI can’t open where I left off and I can’t restore from today’s backup.

Now I’m torn. Do I start from scratch and input everythingrelevant, which will take hours? Or do Igo back to my last backup and redo the hours of work? I’ve emailed Q.uicken but I don’t expect apositive response.

I dug all the receipts I hadprocessed back out of the garbage. Hmm…

I’m actually not so sure it’s acorruption because the software keeps telling me that there is something in myfile that requires the more robust version (that comes with a more robust pricetag).

Of course, all the processing ofreceipts in C.ash M.anager was really just a diversion from sorting my fertilityreceipts so I can do my taxes and recover some much needed cash.

Speaking of fertility, have I eversaid how much I hate being an infertile. I think I’m supposed to start antibiotics tomorrow but can’t be 100%certain since I seemed to have misplaced my protocol sheet. I still have it in my email somewhere. I had the sheet yesterday, I actually looked at it, but in all theorganizing of receipts I seemed to have filed it somewhere handy (which is notsomewhere I’m actually aware of).

I’m tempted to book my flights forthe transfer even though I don’t know for certain that I’ll be having atransfer in a week. The airline ishaving a sale and I’m fertility poor. What to do?

Oh hell, I just emailed the clinic. I understand they don’t know for certain whenthings will happen, but I’d like to save a few bucks if I can, of course in thegrand scheme of things, the savings will be pennies compared to what I’ve spenton infertility. I plan on posting thisdreadful number at some point in the near future.

Second Chance

2012-03-03T22:39:00.001-05:00

Photo challenge day 3 – domestic(beer that is).

I really should have a drink. Hopefully it’ll be the last for a while. I’m not much of a drinker so I doubt I’llmiss it, but I noticed some tiny bottles of champagne under the stairscollecting dust.

I had to laugh a little when a fewpeople commented how close I was to my embryo transfer. Right before Christmas when I had anon-responsive potential donor and didn’t confirm this one until January atransfer was a long, sad way off.

Based on my first donor cycle I knewthat it would take about 3 months before I could expect a transfer. March seemed so far away. But I knew from all the other cycles that thetime would seem to have passed quickly once I was close to a transfer. And now I’m about a week away from my 9^thtransfer.

I had a little freak out when Ilooked at my credit card statements today. I’m currently in debt by a few thousand dollars more than the line of creditI just got. I haven’t maintained abalance on my credit cards in 10 years. I can’t stand the fact that I don’t have enough money to pay them off.

After I stressed about it for awhile I realized that I still have some savings and if I do my taxes soon I’llprobably get enough money back to make a dent in it. I’m planning on being extra frugal until thebills are paid.

One of my colleagues also asked meto take the pager this weekend. I triednot to seem to eager while saying yes. It’s a couple hundred dollars and it’ll help in the long run.

The clinic emailed me today. I’m sure it was meant to be reassuring whichmakes me happier that I emailed them and told them I was feeling anxious.

The news sounds good. She has 10 follicles on one side and 9 on theother. Based on this I’m going to hopefor 10 eggs. In my mind I’d still feelmore comfortable if they retrieved 20 but I realized all I want from the donoris a second chance.

In all my cycles I never had leftover embryos. I have one from the lastdonor cycle but I was never confident that the embryo will survive thethaw. After the dismal cycle that endedup being, I could never feel like that one embryo represented a chance atgetting pregnant.

Actually, all I really want is toget pregnant and end up with a healthy baby in 9 months with the next embryosthat get transferred back to me. Myinfertility journey has left me feeling broken and pathetic.

Having a couple embryos for back upwould make the 2 week wait a little easier.

Donor Update

2012-03-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

Photo challenge day 2 - my interpretation of 'feet'.

I’m glad I emailed the clinic anddonor agency. Apparently the donorstarted injections on Tuesday and is having monitoring tomorrow so they shouldknow something soon. Keep your fingerscrossed for us.

These donor egg cycles are so verysurreal. I almost feel like the project managerdoing all the coordination and planning but I’m going to step in and be thefocus of the project very shortly.

It’s unbelievable that in just overa week I’ll be transferring embryos again.

I feel different than lastcycle. I was filled with gratitude forthe donor last time. It wasn’t that Ifelt I should be grateful to her; I truly had very warm feelings toward her.

This time I don’t. I mean I do feel grateful that someone woulddonate eggs so I could become a mother, but I feel something different beyond the donor; it's almost as though she is an afterthought. The best way to explain it is that I feel apoint of energy aside from myself or the donor that my mind is drawn to. Maybe I’m having infertility delusions.

Out of my Mind and Photo Challenge

2012-03-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

I sort of decided to take part inthe photo challenge from Belle at Scrambled Eggs. Thanks to Jenny at Sprout formentioning it.

Challenge 1: self portrait can befound here.

I say ‘sort of decided to take partin’ because I’m 30 days away from finishing a 365 day photo challenge (thanksto Paige at Paige’s 365) and I’m notsure I can work in the constraints of using prompts. Okay, that’s BS, the reason is I’ll actuallyhave to think about a photo as opposed to just taking any random picture when I’mnot feeling so inspired.

I’m still not sure how I’m going topost. I’ll probably just link back to myphoto blog.

I fear I may not last a month. But you never know. Perhaps I’ll take separate the challenges.

Indecisive. That should be my word of the day.

Today I’m not sure if I want to goto a new job. I found myself hoping thatthe new ones paid less so I would have a reason not to take it. Seriously, there is comfort in my currentjob, and I know that when I finish the project I’ve been assigned to I willhave proved my worth (not that this should have been necessary or taken so manyyears to accomplish). I will be the mostreliable and engaged employee in my group and they will want me to do theprojects.

Oh and crush and new guy. New guy’s hands were looking mightyattractive to me today. Hands, you mightask? I have no idea.

I think the Estrace is making mewacky. I had a sex dream featuring D.avidL.etterman the other night. I like the funnyguys, but why not G.eorge C.looney. Ihaven’t watched L.etterman in 10 years.

I decided to email the clinic andask specific questions about the cycle. Personally, I think that when the donor comes in they should report tome, but when I asked the other day if she had started they didn’t answer thatquestion.

I find this annoying. I’m trying to be zen about it, but… well, I’vebeen infertile for a long, long time and life isn’t fair which means this isway too much for me to deal with in a relaxed way.

I suggested in the email that ifthis cycle is heading down the same road as my last one then I’d like toconsider my options and I told them I was worried (the old appeal to theirsense of humanity). I really hate beingout of the loop.

I just emailed the donor agency too. Maybe they know something. Like what the donor’s favourite soup is or ifshe likes chocolate. I really couldn’tthink of a good question to ask her and this keeps coming to mind. I know when my kids are growing up I’m goingto wonder. I have no idea why ‘soup’comes to mind, I probably eat less of it than the average person.

Maturity

2012-02-29T20:57:00.002-05:00

I wish I would have thought ofstarting a tradition for leap year. Itwould be fun to do something special every four years and have a newtradition. I’m open to ideas if anyonehas a good one and I may declare the ides of March a surrogate leap year thisyear since I probably won’t come up with a good idea today. Hell, an ides of March tradition might beeven more fun because I can do it every year.

There was a potentially wonderfuldevelopment at work today.

I applied for a job a couple weeksago. It sounded interesting. I hadn’t heard anything so was thinking thatthey might have hired someone.

Then yesterday the director incharge of the hiring sent me an email asking if I would come talk to her and aprogram manager about potential job opportunities.

She started by telling me that shewas thrilled when she saw my name in list of applicants. They were happy to find out that I wasinterested in opportunities aside from my current role and they told me aboutanother job that will be opening that sounds right up my alley.

So, things may be looking up. I should have an interview next week for thejob that I actually applied for and if I don’t get that there will be anotherjob to apply for. And two great contactsknow I’m looking.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I lovethe person I’d be reporting to for the job I applied. I just found out who it is. I worked fairly closely with her for a goodpart of the past 10 years and really like her style. If she decided I wasn’t qualified for thejob, I’d respect her decision.

I was kind of cranky with new guytoday. He didn’t do a couple things Itold him he should do and there were issues as a result. I decided I can’t babysit him but it annoyedme that he complains to me about being bored but he actually does nothing.

He’s fun and I like him, but Idecided if my supervisors ask I’m going to have to tell them that he doesn’t seemto want to work with us and he’s not interested in about 80% of my job. Good job hiring. A square peg does not fit in a round hole nomatter how qualified or educated it might be.

I recently read a quote from AnnLanders in a calendar.

“Maturity: Be able to stick with ajob until it is finished. Be able to bear an injustice without having to geteven. Be able to carry money without spending it. Do your duty without beingsupervised.”

I was very pleased with myself whenI read this because I realized I am mature (at least at work).

Of course, I also realized new guy isnot mature. Looking at him and crushsitting next to each other in a meeting most of yesterday I realized how much Imiss crush.

Next time I talk to crush I’m goingto ask him for coffee and tell him that the reason I want to go for coffee isthat I’m selfish and I miss talking to him. It all became perfectly apparent yesterday after we walked down the halltogether following the meeting that nothing bad will come from asking him forcoffee.

Sperm Rebate and a Nice Article

2012-02-28T22:50:00.001-05:00

Peg, brilliant about theyogurt. I recall my grandmother’s homeremedy for yeast infections was yogurt in the vagina. I was trying to figure out how to ‘apply’ itand your idea about freezing it in the tampon applicator is really good.

But, thankfully, I don’t think Ihave a yeast infection. It seems to havesettled down so I think it may have just been excess cervical mucus from theEstrace. At least I hope so.

I’ve been fighting a winning battlewith a headache this afternoon and evening. I’d rather not have a headache, but I don’t get them often and Tylenolis working.

My throat was really sore thismorning but it subsided during the day so this tells me it’s not strep throat. I was pretty dehydrated from travelling yesterdayand I do get sore throats when I don’t drink enough.

This evening I feel like I have abit of energy so I think I’m probably on the mend. I really can’t complain, I haven’t been sickin years and this wasn’t too bad.

The sperm reseller emailed that theywill only charge and send one vial. Yay,I was getting paranoid that even though I thought I was typing one, in reality Iwas having a mental block and was mistakenly typing two.

Of course, after this got resolved Istarted worrying about the timing of the shipping. The clinic emailed asking about sperm. So I asked the reseller if they could shipthis week which they agreed to do. Thena while later they emailed to say they had mistakenly told me the sperm waswashed when it was unwashed so they were refunding $100 dollars and not toworry because my clinic can handle unwashed.

Now the reason I’ll be happy to getpregnant and be out of the care of a fertility clinic, aside from the fact thatI’ll finally feel on the road to motherhood, is because sometimes I feel out ofthe loop in my own cycle.

My old clinic was really good aboutphone contact and this clinic is really good about email (which isconvenient). But sometimes, I assume becauseI’m using a donor, they don’t answer questions that I ask. Like today when I replied to them about spermand asked if the donor had started injections they just replied back thankingme for confirming the sperm.

If I recall, the only reason I knowthe retrieval is scheduled for March 9^th is because the donor agencytold me, and the donor should probably have started injections or will be soon.

I don’t know why they don’t email meevery time they have contact with the donor, but I guess there is no reasonpertinent to the cycle that they should other than to make me feel better.

I meant to mention this articleyesterday. It had been clipped out of the paper and waswaiting for me when I got home. Apparently my dad suggested saving it for me but both my folks had readand pondered it. It mentions the emotional aspects ofIVF and when having difficulties getting pregnant. I think it helped my mom understand why Icontinue. She commented that it was a good article.

For some reason I feel like saving it.

Home Sweet Home

2012-02-27T21:37:00.000-05:00

I made it home from visiting myniece for her 21^st birthday. Getting home was no easy thing either. I woke up this morning at 5:50 and drove 3.5 hours in a raging blizzardin a rental that seemed to have bald tires.

I started my journey today by beinga courteous driver. I didn’t (did not)pull out in front of an SUV only to regret it for the next 30 km. They guy was going 38 km/h (23.5 mph) uphills. I’m a very cautious driver and Idon’t like driving in dangerous conditions.

I would have missed my plane if Istayed behind him and it took a huge amount of maturity not to shake my fist athim while I was passing him (mostly because if I ditched the car down the roadI wouldn’t have wanted to burn any bridges with the guy).

As it turned out I sat on the tarmacfor over an hour, so I would have been sitting in the terminal watching myplane not go anywhere but not be able to get on it and hating the guy.

My next flight also required somewaiting on the tarmac which is very uncharacteristic of this airline. Then it took about 10 times a long for thebaggage to get off the plane than normal. But I’m home and ended up getting here only about a half hour later thanexpected. Miracle.

Of course I’m not relaxed right nowbecause the sperm reseller can’t seem to understand that when I type ‘one’ or 1it’s because I only want a single unit of sperm. They replied to me today that they arecharging and shipping 2 when I have clearly indicated that I only need one (1)on 3 separate occasions.

If I was on cycle one of IVF (oreven possibly 2 or 3) then 2 vials would probably be okay, but I’ve spentsooooo fucking much money trying to get pregnant that I can’t stand the idea ofspending an extra $750 on sperm that I’ll likely never use. It makes me want to cry thinking about thepotential mix up.

Personally, I think they are havingsome communication issues since they sent me an email from another woman, andyes I read the entire email thread (I’m way too pathetic not to have). I would bet that this other woman who theemail was supposed to go to is early on her journey. Too much nervous enthusiasm about pickingsperm.

On the health front, my eye seems tobe recovering; it’s only a little tender now.

I think I have a chestinfection. I never did get that cloggy,drowning stuffy, head-in-a-cloud feeling of a head cold. My throat is sore but I’m starting to dryhack so this is likely the cause.

The bad news. The antibiotics that I probably shouldn’t havebeen have caused a yeast infection. Ishould have expected it really. Eyeinfection. Sinus infection. Chest infection. Yeast infection seems to be the next logicalthing; that or meningitis.

Saturday I pretty much threw theelimination diet out the window. I wastoo hungry at breakfast to eat only fruit so figured I’d take my chances withwhole wheat bread and peanut butter. Ifeel fine so I’m sure I don’t have a gluten problem. I even indulged in some chocolate and sugarbut feel the cravings are still under control.

So my self-improvement goal for theweek is to get more sleep. I haven’tbeen doing a good job of this and figure that’s likely contributed to theinfections. I think I’m lucky I didn’tget really sick.

Snow

2012-02-24T23:57:00.000-05:00

I made it to my niece. The roads were pretty bad in spots. I just drove here to the bar and almost spun out the car on the way back.

This will be short. I'm typing on my iPad, which is great for traveling but not so great for typing posts. The formatting leaves something to be desired as well. I had to use HTML tags to get paragraph breaks.

I think I've decided on a sperm donor. This will be good to cross of the to do list for this cycle.

Yucky

2012-02-23T22:22:00.000-05:00

I feel yucky on so many levelstoday.

I think my eye infection is gettingbetter. Just in time for me throat toget infected. It was common for me toget strep throat when I was a kid and generally when I get a sore throat thatdoesn’t go away in a few hours that’s where it’s going.

So, I decided to take the left overantibiotics I have from my last cycle. I’venever taken medication that wasn’t prescribed, which I guess this was, althoughnot for the reason I’m taking it. Ifigure it should be okay, since I didn’t have an infection anywhere my lastcycle and a doctor told me to take it. Am I now part of the cause of antibiotic resistant organisms?

I woke up with some chest congestedas well, which has me worried.

My aunt had a cold when I visitedher on the weekend and I didn’t get enough sleep a number of days this week, soI had been taking Cold Fx. I was worriedabout getting sick because that’s the last thing my dad needs and if I’d have knownmy aunt was sick I probably wouldn’t have gone to her house.

But, here I am, possibly gettingsick for the first time in 5 years and I’m heading off to see my niecetomorrow.

I didn’t hear from the clinic but Ithink they requested the images of my ultrasound. One of my colleagues that supports theimaging system came to my office today and closed the door then asked if Ineeded images because he’d had a request for someone with my name.

He knows what I’m doing because he’sseen me outside ultrasound during the hour they do fertility ultrasounds oftenenough. I’ve never talked to him abouteven the time I left diagnostic imaging walked out of diagnostic imaging and tothe lab with him. I figured if I don’ttalk to him about it then he can’t talk to anyone else and say that we’vediscussed it (you know outside of parameters of me being a patient).

I said I didn’t think so, and hereplied that it must be someone else with the same name as me.

I sat there while this was going onand just felt like asking him about it and telling him I knew he knew, but Icouldn’t. I mean I really want to spillthe beans but I’m too scared this won’t work. It felt very weird and kind of yucky.

I had something unsettling and alsoyucky happen today at work that I need to get off my chest. For most of my life I’ve never felt rejectedbecause I’m a woman. There have beenoccasions where I felt I was being treated differently but it hasn’t been oftenand it hasn’t bothered me too much.

For instance, when I did my co-opplacements for work, I felt the guys I worked with weren’t giving me anythingvaluable to do. I was never really sureif it was because I was female or because I was a student.

Then today, I experienced the mostovert incident of sexism.

I was walking with new guy and webumped into someone I cross paths with in my job. He’s someone I liked although a friend oncetold me he made her feel incredibly uncomfortable outside work on a fewoccasions (to the point she avoided him).

Being the nice person I am Iintroduced him to new guy. Within 5minutes he tells new guy to join him and a bunch of other people (men I think)some Friday for drinks after work. I madea jokey comment, trying to disperse the awkwardness that I felt. I said something about knowing this guy for10 years and he’s never invited me for drinks, yet he invites new guy within 5minutes.

Oh, and he told me to tell new guywhere they meet, to which I asked him how I would possibly know that. Then he goes ahead and tells new guy.

So I tried to make light of it and thenit started bugging me. Really buggingme. I really wished I would have made acomment about women only being welcome if they were carrying a tray of beer.

And really, why on earth did I makejokes so the guy wouldn’t feel uncomfortable? I let someone get away with being sexist and I was worried that he mightfeel uncomfortable.

Eye Infection and Sleep Deprivation

2012-02-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

Another day is come and gone. I don’t know where today went.

I had an ultrasound thismorning. I couldn’t remember what cycleday I was so I just said 14. I figuredit doesn’t really matter and I guess it’s just a standard question the techsask.

The local clinic asked me to remindthe tech to comment on the triple line. I mentioned it and the tech said she and the other tech that she askeddidn’t know what that was. I wish I’dhave researched a little more. The bestI could tell her was that I think she should mention if she sees it.

I haven’t heard back from the clinicyet. This always makes me tense. It doesn’t matter if it’s good news or not Ialways worry a bit. Then my mind startsmaking up mini disaster stories.

My folks are home. My dad had a terrible flight home. He seems to be bouncing back now although hisvoice is still hoarse and he moves pretty slowly. He smiled today and he’s starting to acknowledgewhen you’re joking with him.

Now, I have to turn in. I was up at 5:15 this morning and 5:30yesterday and I haven’t been early to bed.

Oh, and last night I noticed I’mgetting an eye infection. I was about toblame the hospital I work in then I saw my sleep mask and realized I’ve beenwearing it for weeks and haven’t washed it. Yuck. It’s ointment, drops, andteabags tonight.

Waiting

2012-02-20T23:09:00.000-05:00

I was hoping to sleep in this morning because of the holiday but I woke up this morning at 6:30because I forgot to turn off the weekday alarm on my cell phone. I turned it off, adjusted my sleep mask, andgot comfortable. Then at 6:31 the pagerwent off. I figured it would be 10minutes and I’d be back to bed, but it wasn’t to be.

Its family day here in Canada andall my family is somewhere else. But thegood news is that my folks are returning home tomorrow.

I narrowed down the potential spermdonors and emailed the reseller. I stillhave a couple weeks but I feel like I’ve left this too long. I’m sure it’ll get done but I’ll be a littleon edge until it is.

When you’re waiting and you know anembryo transfer is not going to be for 2 months you hate that it’s 2 monthsaway. Then as it gets closer the timedoes seem to have flown by.

But really, I’m so sick ofwaiting. I’ve been waiting for over 4years. Actually longer when you considerthe time before I started this journey when I still had hope that it wouldhappen naturally.

Oh, well. I guess I shouldn’t ponder what should havebeen or might have been. I’m starting toget excited about the upcoming transfer.

Aunts

2012-02-19T23:47:00.000-05:00

I had a nice dinner with my aunt andcousin this evening. My aunt called theother day to invite me and then asked for the details of my diet. Then she cooked a beautiful meal that fit mydiet. What an angel.

When I left her house I was kind ofsad that my kids won’t have a wonderful aunt. My niece has one (thank you very much). My sister will not only not be a good aunt, she won’t try to be an auntat all.

I decided that once I have kids I’mgoing to let my niece know that she won’t be a cousin; she’s going to be anaunt instead. I’m sure I’ll be givingher plenty of pointers about how to be a good one (I’m what you call anexpert).

Oh, did I ever mention that men makeme nervous. Not the kind of nervous thatI see a man and I’m nervous and can’t talk; it’s more like I react in some whyand then realize afterward that maybe my behavior wasn’t exactly typical orexpected (or normal). Say, a manpossibly shows interest in me. Inormally push him away or find a way to ignore him. I can’t explain it.

Friday, the new guy called to ask ifhe could come to my office to do something that normally takes me 2 minutes todo, which I've shown him, and that he has screen captures for. I politely told him I didn’t have time for him.

Now, days later, I think I probablyshould have let him come to my office.

Aren't You Going to Wonder What Happened to Your Eggs?

2012-02-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

Back in January when I met with myinvestment guy I asked him to reduce my biweekly contribution. Friday morning I checked and for the 3^rdtime since talking to him my contribution remained the same. Grrr.

I got to work and sent a curt emailwith a high priority saying my contribution remains unchanged and I’d changedmy mind I want my monthly contribution to stop completely and that if itcontinued to come out it would be a financial burden.

It took all my maturity not to sendan emailing saying you seemed to have “forgotten” our conversation.

I was planning on calling the guy inthe afternoon if he didn’t respond (apparently he’s too busy normally to replybefore 48 hours has elapsed). Surprise,surprise he replied saying he didn’t know what had happened but that the he hadstopped the contributions.

On the fertility front, I’ve had noside effects from the Estrace aside from feeling pretty good. This is as I expected.

I still haven’t ordered sperm forthis next cycle. I was waiting for wordon the donor I used for my cervical pregnancy. I still haven’t heard anything. Ireally need to figure this out soon.

I had email from the donor agencythis week saying they are in regular contact with the egg donor and if therewas anything I wanted to ask to let them know. They didn’t make this offer last donor.

I’m kind of in a state ofuncertainty about this. I want to askher something but I can’t think of anything I really want to know.

What’s your favourite colour? What are your political preferences? Why? Whatis your favourite book and movie? Whatdo you like most about yourself? Can wehave lunch next time I’m in Toronto? Aren’tyou going to wonder what happened to your eggs?

Looking Back...

2012-02-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

I thought I do a littleretrospective about what I learned on my fertility journey.

Initial Consult in Town

This is where I learned that doctor’soffices are disorganized and forget to do things, like refer you when they saythey will. Looking back I learned it’s agood idea to keep track of these things and follow up if necessary.

Initial tests

This is where I learned my reproductivesystem was messed up and the next step would be surgery instead ofinsemination. Looking back if somethingdoesn’t seem right you should probably get it checked out.

Cycle 1 Cancelled

This is where I learned that cyclemonitoring means trans-vaginal ultrasound and that sometimes you don’t respondwell to lots of medication. Looking backI realize it was blind hope that it would work the first time.

Cycle 2 Negative

This is where I learned that thedoctors have no reservations about putting back 5 embryos when you’re over40. I also learned that the side effectsof progesterone can trick a first timer into thinking she’s pregnant. Looking back, I wish I would have read moreblogs and forums so I would have realized this could be the side effects ofprogesterone.

Cycle 3 Negative

This is where I determined that ifthe odds of getting pregnant were 10% then I should probably get pregnantwithin 10 tries. Later on I realizedthis is really faulty logic. Lookingback I realize I was just trying to convince myself that things would be okay.

Cycle 4 Chemical Pregnancy

This is where my hopes rose becauseI knew I could actually get pregnant. Looking back I should have considered that the reason no baby resultedwas because my old eggs could be the reason.

Cycle 5 Cervical Pregnancy

This is where I figured this wasn’thopeless and that I probably had normal eggs but one accidentally decided toimplant too low. Incidentally, this isalso when I became unafraid to die. Looking back it still brings tears to my eyes and makes me sad.

Cycle 6 Negative

This is where I was reallydisappointed because I figured the next logical step after a chemical pregnancyand miscarriage would be to actually have a baby. Looking back I should have waited an extracycle after this one before trying again.

Cycle 7 Negative

This is where I learned that normaleggs do not translate to quality eggs. Looking back I also realize that sometimes doctor’s tell you what theythink you want to hear (yes he did. Hetold me during my transfer that normal eggs were more important than goodquality embryos. During my WTF appointmenthe told me that even though my eggs were normal they probably weren’t’ goodquality and that the embryos from the normal eggs didn’t even cleave. He knew they were doomed before he even putthem back).

Cycle 8 Negative

This is where I learned that I wouldnever meet my own genetic child and that 5% chance of getting pregnant means95% chance you won’t. Looking back Iwish I would have realized this sooner and moved on.

Cycle 9 Negative

This is where I learned that 78%chance of success means that 22% of people are unsuccessful and there’s noreason why it won’t be me. I alsolearned that sometimes 24 year olds are infertile too. Looking back I learned nothing from thiscycle. It shouldn’t have ended the wayit did.

Cycle 10

Let’s hope I can look back on thisone and can say that it was worth it.

Random Thoughts on Thursday

2012-02-16T22:25:00.001-05:00

I started my Estrace yesterday. I had worse cramps last night when I waslaying in bed than I did my entire period or the week prior. I was still spotting this morning but itseems like things might have come to a close.

Perhaps the Estrace is helping. This might be premature but I think the hotflashes will be over before I get annoyed with them. I’m just thankful it’s winter and they reallyhaven’t become regular or frequent.

Not much else going on. I had an assignment due and handed it inwithout putting forth my best effort. I can’tseem to get caught up in this class.

Funny story, last week I had anonline quiz. One of the others in theclass emailed everyone else and asked if we wanted to do the quiz together as a‘collaborative learning opportunity’. Ihad to laugh at the phrase ‘collaborative learning opportunity’. I think this really means she wasn’t preparedand by getting everyone else to discuss the answers, she’d probably get theanswers without doing the reading. Clever in a lazy kind of way.

I’ve spoken to my mom tonight andlast night. My dad has been moved to aregular ward in the hospital and his pain is being managed well today. She said he looks better but his bowels aresluggish so they aren’t feeding him. Iprobably know too much, but I’d bet money that his bowels are always sluggish.

My mom told me she had to wash dad’sbutt tonight because it was sweaty. Ican’t imagine ever loving another adult that much.

It’s kind of hard not being able tosee my dad while he’s recovering. I didn’tthink it would bother me, but it turns out it does.

I had a Sk.ype call with my niecetonight. I was telling her about the newguy and she asked if he’s married. Isaid no. I could tell what she wasgetting at so I told her I didn’t think I was his type. She asked why I thought he talked to me theway he does.

Personally, I think the guy is justoverly friendly and I’m overly lonely so I’ll talk to him about everything andeverything and listen to his stories (which are hilarious).

But, there’s a possibility, small, thatI might understand a little bit better why I’m still single because it nevercrossed my mind that it was anything more than conversation.

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T22:41:00.003-05:00

It’s a good day in my family. My dad had his surgery and was in recoverywhen I spoke to my mom this afternoon. I’m expecting her to call tonight.

The hot flashes have arrived and Ihave a headache so I’m really glad to be starting Estrace tomorrow.

Super Emotional

2012-02-13T22:15:00.001-05:00

I feel like a selfish fooltonight. I’m super emotional about my infertilitytonight while my dad is sitting in a hotel preparing for a pretty serioussurgery tomorrow.

I suspect my emotions have somethingto do with the fact that in the back of my infertile mind I’m pretty worriedabout him.

If you can keep my dad in thoughts alittle tomorrow, I’d really appreciate it.

I pulled out my GPS and have theaddress for the hotel and hospital printed out. I also have a couple things ready to throw in a bag in case I have toget to my folks. It’s a 7-8 hour drivebut car is probably the easiest way to get there.

The other reason I’m so emotional isprobably because I’m alone. It’snormally so hard to cry in this place because someone always knows and theythink something is seriously wrong when you cry.

I had dinner with a friendtonight. There was supposed to be 4 ofus but 2 didn’t show up. One of theno-shows is the friend from college I mentioned a while back. Funny the day after I mentioned him on myblog he emailed me out of the blue.

He was having some issues with hisparents and I guess wanted to connect with someone. As much as I wanted to be cold or not reply Icouldn’t. It ended up being a coupleemails back and forth and then he stopped responding.

Before Christmas I thought he just couldn’tdeal with my sadness even though it wasn’t obvious in real life. Now I realize that he’s just wrapped up in hislife and relationship and it’s become so important that his old friendships areno longer important.

Anyway, I was a little nervous aboutmaking small talk with only one person, but I had a really nice time. I enjoyed her company and I think she enjoyedmine as well.

Sweets

2012-02-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

Beer
Eggs
Chocolate
Bananas
Sugar
Peanut butter

These are some of the things thatcross my mind for the reintroduction phase of the elimination diet. Realistically, I think it’s going to bebananas then eggs and then possibly peanut butter.

But then if I reintroduce eggs first, I should be able to make or buy gluten-free bread. Although, I'd really enjoy gluten-free bread with peanut butter.

Three weeks ago I would haveprobably said chocolate chip cookies or straight chocolate (there’s part of abar in the cupboard right now), but I think I’ve probably detoxed myself awayfrom needing a continuous infusion of chocolate and sugar. This is something I really didn’t expect.

The other thing I didn’t expect thatI would like is having brown rice for breakfast. I treat it the same way I would oatmeal and Ilike it just about as much (and it doesn’t give me gas).

I’m not sure if you’re supposed toreintroduce things every 3 days or every day. I should probably figure that out before Wednesday.

These past couple days have beenkind of hard, but my eating habits are always worse during weekends. It was especially hard since I bought theFood Network magazine (chocolate issue)on Friday. Really? What was I thinking?

I also went across the border todayto pick up shoes for my niece and I didn’t indulge in a chocolate bar, which I always do. I missed it but it was also kind ofliberating to be honest.

I will really try to minimize sweettreats in the future. I was a bit out ofcontrol the past few months. It doesnothing for me emotionally except make me feel bad when I over-indulge. I do enjoy a treat, but I don’t need oneevery day.

I’m supposed to start Estrace onWednesday and the timing should be perfect. My period is winding down and my mood is improving.

I’m starting to get night sweats andhot flashes from the Lupron, but it’s still pretty disorganized. By disorganized I mean I get kind of warm fora while or I wake up to go to the washroom (odd for me) and then by the time Iget back to bed I‘m sweaty.

I didn’t mind Estrace lasttime. I don’t feel like I get any sideeffects. Does it affect anyone else?

400th Post

2012-02-11T21:33:00.001-05:00

Wow, so unlike me not to havesomething to say for 2 days. Actually, it’s morethat I’ve been tired and busy, doing what, I have no idea.

This is my 400^thpost. It seems like I was just postingmy 300^th.

Monday will mark 4 weeks until myembryo transfer.

The house is a little beehive of activitytonight. My dad is scheduled for surgeryTuesday to have his aortic aneurysm fixed so they are packing for their flighttomorrow. I decided to stay home becauseI figured I’d need more support that I’d actually be.

I went with them once when my dadhad a colonoscopy and almost cried as my folks touched hands when they werewheeling him away. I’d never hold ittogether these days.

I’ve asked my colleagues and theyare willing to take the pager from me if I need to get to my folks.

I had dinner with a friend onThursday. She was happy to hear my dadwas having surgery because her dad died of the same thing a couple yearsago. I didn’t know his cause of deathuntil then.

I’m so glad to have had dinner withthis friend. We met at least 15 yearsago. We started on the same day andbonded because of it, but we would have bonded anyway. We’re kindred spirits. Since that job at the fabric store we’veworked at 2 other jobs together.

If you’ve ever read Anne of GreenGables this is where I learned the term kindred spirits. I loaned my Anne series to this friend yearsago and she said told me once that her husband was about ready to throw themaway because he’d walk in the room and she’d be laughing or crying and hecouldn’t figure out why.

We talked for hours. I miss her. We’ll see each other more now. It’s been a terrible few years for her too. She lost her adult son and her dad.

I told her about my infertilityjourney a while back via email. I triedto talk about it on Thursday but couldn’t. I got teary eyed. I’m prettyamazed that I’m still so deeply moved by it all. I hope that when I get pregnant, I’ll be ableto share my store verbally.

Oh, and its official I am totally cluelessabout men. Crush called me to sayhi. He said he just called to chat and hadnothing work related to talk about. Beercame up and I was too stupid to think to ask him if I could buy him one afterwork. Until after I got off the phone. I actually smacked my palm on my forehead andgroaned when I realized.

Thank god I wasn’t so preoccupiedthat I blew him off. I told him I washappy that he had called and to please do it again, after teasing him that heshould be calling the new guy.

Oh, the new guy. He’s probably going to leave. He’s only on a short term contract with usalthough it would likely have been extended.

I had a great day professionally onFriday. I came up with a great idea andeveryone likes it. I love it. I said the new guy would have no problem doingwhat I was proposing. Later in my officehe told me he’s had a response from another place that he applied to.

I’m sure he’ll get another job,which is too bad for me because I really want to work with him. He doesn’t take things as personally as me, he’sreally smart and creative, and not uptight in the least bit. He’ll probably drive a couple people in mydepartment nuts, but I’m not one of them and I won’t mind watching.

Also, I get along really well withhim. I get along well with most peoplebut this guy is my type of person. He’swacky and fun. I’ve cried from laughing afew times listening to his stories. Ithink if there weren’t barriers we’d probably be highly compatible outside ofwork too.

Sick Time & Immunizations

2012-02-08T23:04:00.000-05:00

I have cramps today. I feltgenerally crumby at work so I figured I should probably go home. It was amazing how much better I felt thefurther I got away from the building. Hmm. It crossed my mind that Ishould go back but I decided it wouldn’t be healthy to do that.

I spent the afternoon reading for myinvesting class. I have a test duetomorrow which I just completed and passed.

This afternoon while I was reading Irealized I’m about 4 weeks behind for the course. It’ll be 5 by the end of this week. I’m not sure how this happened although onlyreading 2 paragraphs during the weekend probably contributed.

I’m really clueless sometimes. I often wonder if I can’t get pregnantbecause there is some cosmic realization that I’ll probably forget the babysomewhere.

I’m also really behind in everythingand starting to feel overwhelmed. Ihaven’t gotten consents back to the clinic or the donor agency and the clinicwon’t respond to my email about aspirin 81 mg and to confirm when I start myEstrace. I figure they won’t until Isend back the consents.

I did manage to use my sick timetoday to call MotherRisk regarding immunizations. They are only opened 9-5 and I didn’t want tocall from work.

The reason I called them is that I receiveda notice at work that my Tetanus, Diphtheria, and Pertussis are out of date.

I asked the clinic (before they sentme consent forms) if I should get the immunization and they said to contactMotherRisk. I’m glad I did. I loved the service there. They even thanked me for calling. By the way, they said it was safe to get thisimmunization during pregnancy.

If I didn’t feel overwhelmed witheverything I’d probably search the internet a bit more to see if I could findconflicting information. My initialsearch showed the same response as them.

Investment Guy

2012-02-07T22:30:00.000-05:00

My investment guy is driving menuts. I emailed him Sun Jan 29^thtelling him to go ahead with my line of credit application. Of course he didn’t respond until Tuesdaybecause he never responds the next day.

I used to work with a guy likethis. I always figured he thought itmade him look busier if he waited 24 hours before responding. Either that or perhaps he figured it gave himsome power. We’re still loosely in the samebusiness, so I figure if he ever emails me, I’ll wait 36 hours beforeresponding.

Okay, investment guy. On Sun Feb 5^th I emailed him againto ask how long the line of credit application would take. So of course he replied today saying it takes2 weeks and I should receive a package at home.

Then today his secretary emailed mefor my driver’s license number and a copy of my pay stub. So this leaves me thinking he finally gotaround to submitting it today. My creditcard is due on Feb 24^th and I’ll need to make the payments on 3separate days since it’s so big.

So that means, I think this fuckerwill be costing me 18.5% interest on my credit card, exactly what I was tryingto avoid.

Has anyone ever asked a credit cardcompany for a delay in having interest charged and gotten it?

Oh, the other thing I noticed isthat even though I told him Jan 18ish that I wanted to reduce my monthlycontribution I fully expected it would take a couple days to make thechange. I expected the normalcontribution that week. But I would haveexpected that by the Feb 2^nd one he would have gotten around tomaking the change.

Does this guy think I’m 12? I don’t expect anyone to bend over backwardsfor me, but I do expect a little respect; after all it is my money.

Or have I trusted my money with adisorganized fool?

Oh, good news. I lost another 2.75 this week at myweigh-in. I also got my period todaywhich always means my weigh was up so I think this is a good sign.

Firsts and Surprises

2012-02-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

Busy days they seem to belately. I’m not sure why, I’m not reallyaccomplishing much. I have no idea how Iever completed courses while working full time but sure enough I did.

We were out for dinner tonight formy Mom’s birthday. I managed to get asalad with a grilled chicken breast from the list of healthy choices. By eliminating the tomatoes and dressing itwas elimination diet worthy. I alsobrought my own salad dressing. I’venever done that before and it wasn’t horribly embarrassing and it was actuallyreally good on the salad.

I bought a cake for my mom. I felt horribly guilty for buying asupermarket cake until I remembered that that’s what she asked for. Nothing is really wrong with supermarket cakebut my Mom is worth more effort. I didgive her a laugh, along with a slice of cake, when I played up the effort ittook because I had to ask the folks in the bakery if the cake was white orchocolate.

I cut and served the cake and didn’teat any (hello, I didn’t even lick my fingers). Another first for me since normally I would have licked my fingers andplate. Really, I’ve never turned downcake before, ever, except possibly fruit cake, but I don’t think that counts aswillpower.

I’m actually quite surprised that Ididn’t feel like I was missing anything. Of course, it wouldn’t have been my first choice for a cake, but therewas a time where anything sweet would have been perfection on a plate. I’m not being arrogant here, when I’m donewith the elimination diet I will be indulging in sweets but hopefully to alesser degree.

My sister showed up for dinner. On time and not crabby. Another big surprise. She didn’t talk to me much (err… at all)unless I spoke to her first which I didn’t mind since I didn’t really care totalk to her. Besides it was hard enoughto sit and listen to her the entire time about all the stuff she’s planning ondoing and all the stuff she knows. Butlike I said, she wasn’t crabby, so I guess we have to count our blessings wherewe can.

I applied for a new job today. It sounds serious. Like it would take a real grown-up to do thisjob, or someone other than me. But I’mnot really concerned. If I get aninterview, I get my name out at the hospital and I get to ask a few questionsabout the job. If I get offered the jobit’ll boost my self-esteem and possibly open some doors. If I don’t get offered the job, nothing islost.

I’m feeling really zen about it all,which feels fabulous.

Good Luck Tomorrow

2012-02-04T23:23:00.001-05:00

I opted on going to bed early lastnight instead of posting or reading blogs. Actually, I was just too tired to do anything. I got a good night’s sleep and right now ampretty beat again, but I may be staying up to watch the rest of the Detroit /Edmonton.

I love underdogs and there’s a greatfeel good, underdog story continuing tonight. It started last night when Sam Gagner scored 4 goals and got 4 assists last night for 8 points in a game. He tied a record with some pretty greatplayers, like Wayne Gretzky. Tonight he’sin for 2 goals and an assist. My mom Iget pretty excited about this sort of thing.

I didn’t end up going out with my friendlast night. I was feeling nauseous atnoon so called and postponed until this coming week. I think it was probably a combination ofhunger and Lupron. I also had somemighty cramps, which are coming and going again today.

I’m not sure I’m going to get aperiod but right now I would be very happy to see one (I’m sure I won’t be feelingthis way in 6 weeks). I have all thesigns today so feel like it would be a big relief.

I spent most of the day with mymom. It was our usual first Saturday ofthe month in town. I brought her to thecomputer store and had her pick out a bag for her laptop. She was worried it cost too much so I toldher I didn’t care, and that she should just pick the one she liked best. It was $90 and I would have paid $250 for oneif she loved it.

I also got myself an exercise DVD(what was I thinking).

I bought a few other things and wewound up having lunch at a Vietnamese place. I think I managed to stay on my elimination diet with a noodlebowl. Part way through I realized thecashews were peanuts and managed to pick most of them out. Much to my surprise I was able to give my mommy spring roll (it looked pretty awesome too) and I didn’t eat the fortunecookie.

The fortune was something to theeffect that the shooting star I see tonight will be good luck tomorrow. Now, I haven’t even looked outside sinceearly evening, but I do know the sky is clear. I may head out for a few minutes to see if I’m lucky enough to see ashooting star.

Happy Groundhog Day

2012-02-02T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have an ultrasound booked on Feb22. This is to measure my endometrium. By golly I just realized Feb 22 is ThinkingDay. I was in guiding for years as a kid but haven’t thought about ThinkingDay for years.

I still haven’t started myperiod. I didn’t think the Lupron willprevent it that quickly but I guess it’s possible. I do have some cramps right now, but I alsohad a sore right ovary too, which makes sense since there is a big endometriomathere. I guess she’s a shrinkin.

I didn’t veer from the norm as muchas I wanted to today in my anti-Groundhog Day campaign, but I veered a bit andthe day felt okay and a little bit more fun than normal.

Incidentally 2 Canadian groundhogs did not see their shadow, which means 12 more weeks of winter. Either way in Canada its 12 more weeks of winter ;0)

I did wear some makeup to work. I never do this so didn’t want to make it tooobvious. But once I got a littleeyeliner on I decided some eye shadow would be even better, which it was.

I drove a different route to worktoday.

I asked the new guy if he wanted totake a walk with me at lunch, then when we met up he asked which way I walkaround and I said this way, but were going the opposite way today. I told him my plan and he commented that I’mputting some new grooves in my brain by doing things different. We had a discussion about building your brainlast week. This guy is prettyinteresting.

Overall I appreciated people moretoday which is something I will try to do more of. I really made me happy.

I complemented the mail person atthe hospital on her legs. She’s in greatshape from all the walking. I admired anelderly woman arm-in-arm with another elderly woman. I figured it was probably a friend helpinganother friend. As I walked through the mainhallway with a big smile on my face feeling special to have witnessed such abeautiful act of kindness, I saw yet another pair of elderly ladies arm-in-arm.

I also bought myself an expensivemagazine on baking bread. Oh, I lovethose glossies.

I spent time at work on professionaldevelopment (rarely do this) without feeling guilt (rarely do this either). Then I reviewed part of a specification andrealized that I could do what was required for the project.

I didn’t pamper myself this evening,but I am going to hit the sack earlier; I’m beat.

I should mention my visit to thenaturopath. She was surprised and pleasedthat I started the elimination diet. Ithink most people don’t do it. She doeswant me to stick to the diet for the full 3 weeks, possibly longer, and thenslowly reintroduce some things; like bananas. So much for the bread magazine.

Getting Ready for Groundhog Day

2012-02-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

Groundhog day is trying toreturn. I’m not going to the gymtomorrow morning. I’ve already decided. I was up late last night and have to go towork early tomorrow and I will be physically unable to get up before 6:00 amtomorrow morning unless there’s an emergency.

Sexy undies are out too. I didn’t go buy any and I’m due to start myperiod.

But I have thought of some otherthings I can do:
Take a different route to work,
Put on and tie my left shoe firstinstead of my right shoe,
Do my hair differently (a ponytailcould be different, it’s long and straight normally),
Wear a little makeup,
Buy sexy undies (this can still bedone even with my period)
Self maintenance in the evening,
Start reading any one of the manybooks I’ve bought but haven’t started reading (possibly in the bathtub – ahh,this just smacks of luxury to me),
Walk around with my head held highand show (or at least pretend to be) confidence,
Watch the national news (I’m souninformed).

Oh, hilarious story. The newest new guy at work has a jobinterview out of town (he trusts me enough to discuss getting time off with me). If he gets the job and leaves, which he mostlikely will it’s a great potential job, I will have wasted weeks training himand there will be no time or point in hiring someone to complete a month or 2 of his contract.

There was a potential new job for mein the hospital as well. I usually golook at the job postings only to find nothing I’m really qualified for orwilling to take a pay cut for, until today. I’m thinking I’ll apply and see what happens. I have the feeling they have someone in mindalready since the requirements are a little vague, but it wouldn’t hurt to getmy name and face out.

Now, I must say goodnight. I really need to get to bed earlier tonight.

Flipping the Bird to Groundhog Day

2012-02-01T00:14:00.000-05:00

Responses to my post Every Day isExactly The Same tells me that many of you have these feelings of chronicsameness. By the way, I really feelbetter reading comments from you and I am comforted that I’m not the only onethat feels the way I do. So thank youall very much.

Sunflower referred to sameness asGroundhog Day (if you haven’t seen it you should give it a try). Yes, it’s a very Groundhog Day type offeeling.

Since Groundhog Day is just aroundthe corner I was thinking about telling Groundhog Day Syndrome to beat it bymaking sure Feb 2 is nothing like every other day.

So, my plan is to do somethingdifferent on Thursday and I challenge every last one of you to join me inflipping the bird to Groundhog Day.

I’m planning on getting up early andgoing to the gym before work.

I’m planning on having a bath in theevening and doing a little self-maintenance.

I’m planning on calling someoneinstead of emailing them.

I may even stop in at the clothingstore and buy sexy underwear too. Inever do this. I wear granny panties andI know this is true because when I travelled to Germany with my granny when Iwas 21, wouldn’t you know it, we wore the same style of undies. Gasp.

Okay, there’s another reason forsexy undies. Nope, not what you’rethinking. In looking at ways to rekindlemy enthusiasm for work I came across some websites about rekindling the fire inyour relationship and I figured, what the hell, if the undies work with men,maybe they work with work too.

Okay, I know it’s a stretch, butevery gal should probably have sexy undies at least once.

Oh, I got a partial protocol fromthe clinic. Partial because it doesn’tinclude an embryo transfer date. They wantme to have an ultrasound on Feb 24^th. It’s the day I’m travelling to see my nieceat college but the ultrasounds are early so it should be okay.

Based on my last cycle, I had atransfer 3 weeks after the ultrasound, so if things fall out the same thetransfer would be during the March break. I’m fairly sure I’m not on call, and it would be the perfect cover sincemy niece will be home and asking for a couple days off shouldn’t be obvious tomy supervisor (I really want to tell her I’m pregnant when she doesn’t expectit).

This is a long post but I have 2other things to say. First I lost 2.75pounds this past week. Yay. I would have expected more but I ampre-menstrual and typically gain 3 pounds at this point in my cycle.

This is also good because I spentthe early part of the day filled with self-loathing because I dreamed I ate anM&M. One M&M (blue I think, plain, no peanut). I don’t even remember enjoyingit.

Second is another good side-effectof infertility. You learn how to talk topeople about difficult things.

My weight loss group has a recentbreast cancer survivor. She was back forthe first time since a double mastectomy and we had a really nice talk whilewaiting to weigh-in. She’s fairly new tothe group and we haven’t talked one-on-one before. Normally, I would have avoided conversationbecause I would have been worried I would say something that made her feeluncomfortable, but instead I felt comfortable asking her questions, listeningto her talk, and trusting my instinct that I wasn’t causing her any discomfort.

It wasn’t difficult and I think itwas good for both of us.

Mediocre

2012-01-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

I left work a little disappointedtoday. The new guy who is taking overpart of my job has all these great plans, not that they really have anything todo with taking over for me.

His enthusiasm left me feeling likeI may have given up. Not that I wasn’tdoing a good job but I just stopped trying to be innovative. I was walking to my car wondering why thatwas and I thought of the first few years I worked in this field. My supervisor was all for professionaldevelopment and really encouraged me.

Then there was a merger of sorts(they called in an integration) and my new supervisor, who is currently thedirector, really didn’t like me. I mean Icould tell. I think it was prettyobvious that I was the dog. I couldn’tmake a suggestion without it being beaten down, and I remember sitting in ameeting telling myself to just keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t give up and she camearound, sort of. But even 3 years ago Ifinally got offered some training and when I thanked her all she could say wasI was only getting it because it was buy one get one free. Thanks for the great attempt at making mefeel valued.

Now the past 2 years have beenbetter. I figure only because I’ve had acouple meltdowns and she now sees me as a human that has emotions. I only got offered any real training (stillnot sure it’s useful) or another project, when I confronted her about beingdiscriminated against. For the record, Istill fully believe that was the case.

I believe it so much that I sent acouple emails from my work email address that had discrimination in thebody. Because of the freedom ofinformation act (not that I know anything about it) I figured if the hospitalwas ever accused of discrimination and they subpoenaed email, mine might pop upon a search. I never did feel it wouldbe helpful to go to HR.

Anyway, I have no idea how to get myenthusiasm back for my job. At thispoint I don’t think leaving is an option.

I really hate being mediocre. Has anyone just been tired of what they weredoing and found a way to rekindle or reignite their passion for work?

Shiny New Endometrium

2012-01-29T23:33:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe another weekend isover. I spent most of it in the kitchenbut feel like I probably could have accomplished more. I did go out for a quick snowshoe thisafternoon.

Among my cooking accomplishmentstoday, I baked brown rice crackers. I’ve never made crackers before, but I’m enjoying hummus on the rice andsesame ones I bought and I have brown rice flour so I figured I’d give it a try. I changed the recipe and used sesame seedsinstead of cooked rice. They aren’tamazing, but with hummus they are edible. I think I want to try some other recipes for these too. It intrigues me making something that I wouldnormally buy.

Baked on the left, unbaked on the right

I also discovered that pureedpineapple makes a reasonably sweet substitute for syrup on pancakes.

I recall that I used to enjoy baking and cooking when I was a kid. It feels good to be doing it again, but I don't recall the huge quantity of dishes that need to be washed afterward.

I’ve emailed my investment guy todayto tell him to go ahead with the line of credit application. I spoke to the new guy at work last weekabout this since he mentioned having a line of credit. He seems fairly thorough; when I told himwhat the terms for mine would be he said they must really like me. The rate is also better than my bank.

I’ll have to look at sperm donorsagain this week. The reseller said theywould put a vial on hold for me, but the wait could be awhile. I have a feeling that I should just get thisdone and move on. And I also feel likeit should be done this week. I suppose Icould pick another donor and put that on hold to, pending the first donor.

I think I’m over worrying that I didthe Lupron injection wrong. I’m stillalive, so it’s unlikely that I accidentally injected an air bubble into myblood stream, and I had a headache this afternoon. It went away after one Ad.vil but it wasprobably worse than any I’ve had in years.

I’ve also had signs that I might begetting cramps. It was day 23 when I didthe injection and I would have expected my period on day 27 or 28 so I think Imay get one this time around. I’d feelbetter about the cycle if I did. I wantto start this cycle with a shiny new endometrium.

Every Day is Exactly the Same

2012-01-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

I lack motivation today. I did spend a good part of the afternoon inthe kitchen cooking terrific food for the elimination diet but I just don’tfeel inspired today.

By the way, the pancakes were onlyokay. Everything I’ve cooked so far I’deat while not on the diet, except the pancakes. I prefer the ones I make with flour, eggs, milk and sugar.

And that carries to this blog; I don’thave much to say except the same old stuff. Sick of being infertile, wish I was pregnant, wish I felt like someone,aside from blog world, cared about my journey, but I’m really just numb aboutit all.

You know, my journey seems surreal rightnow. It feels like I’m just sitting heretyping and thinking about my infertility journey and I really didn’t live it atall; it’s in my mind because I read it in a book. Does anyone else feel that way?

You know, most people I work withand know don’t know I’ve done this. Tothem I’m just living this very small life where nothing ever changes. Sometimes I imagine what they will think whenI finally do become pregnant and I say that it took years to have a baby andthat everything I did in those years was for this reason.

I was driving the other day and ‘EveryDay is Exactly the Same’by Nine Inch Nails came on. I decided itmight possibly be my theme song, well all the parts that aren’t paranoid andBig Brotherish.

Here’s a video if you’re bored. I've never added a video so hopefully it works.

Lupron, Done

2012-01-27T23:15:00.000-05:00

My injection was the one-monthtime release version for endometriosis that has 'microspheres in a suspension'ooooooh. It was intramuscular but theactual injection was no big deal. Ifollowed the instructions that came with the preloaded syringe.

At this point I feel exactly thesame as after all the other Lupron injections I’ve had, which is totally normalaside from a bit of itching at the injection site.

A couple drops of liquid rolled downthe syringe while I was letting out the air, and then there seemed to be airleft when I got to the end. This worriesme a little, but I think that after my last, nurse administered, injection thesyringe looked the same. I guess I’llknow in a couple weeks if I did it right if I start getting hot flashes and nightsweats.

I guess you guys all used Lupron subcutaneouslyto suppress during your cycles whereas I used SupreFact for mine. This new clinic does the Lupron one monthprior to transfers. I had this injectionmy last donor cycle about 5 weeks before the transfer.

I’ll die happy if I never have togive myself an IV shot. But, if it wasoffered one along with a guaranteed pregnancy, I’d have no problem giving it atry.

The nurse called me today to ask ifI picked up the Lupron, which I hadn’t, but I assured her I would go after workand then email when the injection was done.

She’s going to send a protocol onMonday, but she did tell me I would be starting Estrace on Feb. 15.

When I picked up the Lupron, therewere also antibiotics, Estrace, and 2 vials of PIO. This pharmacy makes me a little crazy attimes, mostly because they most often seem unable to find my prescription. My last name is quite common so I neverreally understand this.

I was thinking about movingpharmacies for this very reason, but they’ve found my prescriptions on thefirst try the last 2 times. I’m sure Ishould probably wonder if I got the right stuff seeing as they can’t seem to masterfiling, but I didn’t really think of this until now.

They also question my orderssometime. Once when I picked up Menopurthey didn’t want to order the next refill because they had just given me a 5day supply. The tech had no idea that Icouldn’t really stop after 5 days and wait for them to order more. One of the pharmacists quietly told her itwas okay and to order it. I really likethe pharmacists.

I figure I’ll have the same issuewith the PIO, so I may start stockpiling it so I have enough for the entirefirst trimester by the time I start injections.

I’m still plugging along on theelimination diet. I’m not feelingdeprived, but I’m sure I’m a habitual eater. I want to eat in the evenings even when I’m not hungry and there isnothing emotional going on in my head (there actually isn’t much going on).

I really have to make an effort toplan ahead a bit. I think I’m going to make buckwheat pancakes for breakfasttomorrow.

I’ve been to the grocery store 2times this week and the bulk store 2 times this week. I should have enough supplies for a whilenow.

Donor Update

2012-01-26T23:48:00.001-05:00

Long days these days. Mostly because of the elimination diet.

I spent at least an hour in thegrocery store yesterday. I read a lot ofbottles and gave up on the idea of finding crackers or bread that was ‘okay’ toeat. I found gluten free but most hadpotato or corn products.

Otherwise I’m not suffering much,just finding it a lot of work, which should pass as I get a stock of food toeat. I have had a couple food cravings,but they are manageable. Yesterday Ieven walked through the Valentine’s chocolate at the grocery store. I looked the stuff directly in the eye andwas able to walk by without buying something. I’m feel hungry this evening but not hungry enough to go eat something.

Last night I made a pepper and zucchinistir fry. Tonight, I made a couple saladdressings which taste pretty amazing.

I hope to do some cooking andfreezing this weekend.

I had a call from the clinictoday. The donor was in yesterday andright now we’re waiting for her to have day 1 so she can start birth controlpills.

I guess someone forgot to call mealong the way because I’m supposed to have a Lupron shot tomorrow. The nurse called my pharmacy and I can pickup the Lupron tomorrow. I think she gotthe progesterone suppositories ordered too although my mom took the message anddidn’t really get the details.

I asked the nurse if I could givethe Lupron injection to myself, which she excitedly said yes. I figured if it was in the same area as allthe PIO shots, why bother getting someone else to do it. That and everyone who ever gave me a Lupronshot had to read the instructions; I can read and I can inject myself in thebutt, so why not do it myself.

I think she’s sending me a protocoltomorrow. She did say that it will takea little longer to get me ready. I’mglad I expected a transfer in March because I figure that’s when it will be.

Some Days I Really Like Beer

2012-01-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

I decided to try the eliminationdiet. I really didn’t want to start on Mondaybecause it’s so typical to start something on Monday and I didn’t want to thinkof this as something that was worthy of a ‘start date’. I just wanted to start and I didn’t want topressure myself to be prepared Monday. Turnsout I won’t be prepared for starting on a Wednesday either.

I gained 1.5 pounds at weigh in thisweek, which annoys me because I figured at worst I would have stayed the sameas last week. I wanted to cry because Icould tell the weight-recorder feels my pain.

I’ve not decided on the eliminationdiet because of this although I do hope that it will help break my addiction tosweets and help me get fully back on track with healthy eating.

I will have to pick some flavourfulstuff up tomorrow because I figure it can get boring pretty quick just eatingfish, chicken, rice and veggies. I stoppedat the bulk store yesterday and picked up some grains and rice pasta so I wasable to make an ‘Elimination Diet’ breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. I’m thinking sauces and veggie sides will bereally important to keep me satisfied.

I did decide to drink a couple beerstonight. I like beer, but some days Ireally like beer.

I had an email from the sperm sellertoday. Apparently there has been anadverse birth with this donor but they don’t have the details yet.

Funny, when you have a reason tolike the donor some things don’t matter as much as with a donor you aren’temotionally attached to. They wereasking what I wanted to do with the sperm so I responded with a question to buymyself a couple more days.

This donor has had numerous birthsthat were fine which appeals to me. Notonly will my baby be the sibling of one I lost, but also will have livingsiblings which makes me happy. Not happyfrom a fertility perspective, but happy because they would have other family tofind and get to know.

No word on the egg donor today.

Now There's Optimism

2012-01-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

I have confirmed that the donor Iwas looking at was the donor I got pregnant with the second time.

I ordered the sperm.

I haven’t heard anything from theclinic so I guess the new donor didn’t have her appointment today. I guess they don’t give you the day becausethey don’t want crazy women hanging around outside the clinic watching for theirpotential donors.

One of the messages from the donor agencyon my last cycle was that if you see the donor in the waiting room avoidtalking to her. Being that I’m singleand buy sperm, it didn’t really occur to me until then that if you went to theclinic with your husband for him to provide a sample on donor egg retrieval day,you very well could bump into the donor.

I tried to imagine how I would feelin that situation and I think I would have smiled stupidly at her and everyoneelse. Of course she would have justthought I was crazy since she would never have seen a picture of me.

That has the potential to be one oflife’s strange moments.

I had a follow up with my familydoctor regarding my mammo and ultrasound. She said what I already knew; no cancer. She said the only mention of action is a follow up mammo in a year. She asked about IVF and said that she wouldn’tfill in the requisition but, if I wasn’t pregnant to book an appointment withher in November to get the follow up (she had a much nice way of saying this).

I probably should have asked what todo if I was pregnant. I assumed no mammountil I’m not pregnant or breastfeeding. I’ll have to talk the OB once I get pregnant I guess.

Now there’s optimism.

Say Yes to the Donor Sperm

2012-01-22T22:08:00.001-05:00

I mentally acknowledged today that Imust look into buying sperm for another cycle. I have one vial left from a donor that had a pregnancy with anencephaly. Apparently this happened after I purchasedthe sperm. My new clinic said that thesperm should be fine because it was fine when I bought it but if I sent them theletter from the sperm supplier they would give me a recommendation about usingit.

So I started the daunting process ofpicking more sperm. It’s gone from beingodd somewhat embarrassing task, to an easy one (in the sense that I realized itdidn’t matter all that much and there really wasn’t much to choose from), tobeing completely and utterly annoying.

I looked up anencephaly and it seemsthe jury is still out on whether it’s genetic or not depending where you look (so I suppose it doesn’treally matter when I bought it, if it ever did). I was about to send the information to thenew clinic and just use this sperm when I realized I was doing this out oflaziness.

Yes, I said it. I didn’t feel like putting in the effort formy unborn children and was willing to take a risk that they might never survivebecause of something that might or might not be hereditary.

I figured I should at least look atsome of the donors; after all, there might be a really great one.

And that’s when I found out that thedonor I think I used for my second miscarriage is available (must confirm this). He had a high GPA in college and no real redflags. I like his height, weight, and colouringbecause it’s similar to my family. Hisessay is okay but otherwise he’s not a "too die for" donor (is this what the married girls call a husband).

Incidentally, when I was having myfirst (and only) social worker appointment when I was starting with the firstfertility clinic the social worker said gay women tend to pick donors based on theirintelligence and straight women tend to pick donors that look like theirfamily. I’m not gay (at least I don’tthink I am) so I’m not really sure what this makes me (aside from brilliant toconsider both).

When I saw his picture I rememberedwhy I liked him in the first place. Nope,not what you’re thinking; he’s good looking but not drop dead gorgeous. The reason I liked his picture was that hisface was warm and inviting and kind and I knew that if I have a son that lookslike him I’ll smile whenever I see him smile. What more could a mother ask for?

Cripe, I’m making myself cry. I feel like I’m on "Say Yes to the Dress"only its "Say Yes to the Donor Sperm". Ithink this means he must be the one.

The part of it that really makesthis seem like the perfect donor is the very delicate and fine connectionto one of my lost babies. To me it meansI could give birth to the half sibling of him/her even though the relationshipis not via my genetics. This is a very beautiful connection to me, one I feel in my heart.

I’ve sent an email to the resellerto determine if he really is available.

Now, I have to be hopeful andpositive this week. My new potentialegg donor has her appointment this week. Isuspect its tomorrow since the clinic charged me the retainer on Friday.

Wish me luck. The roller coaster is possibly getting readyto take off for the tenth time. All Iwant is a healthy baby that I get to be the mother of until I die; is that really too muchto ask?

Elimination Diet

2012-01-21T21:33:00.000-05:00

It’s still really cold here. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t will myselfto go snowshoeing today. I did climb ona loaner exercise bike for half an hour but my heart wasn’t in it so I don’tfeel like I’ve exercised at all.

Has anyone done the elimination orbrown rice diet?

The naturopath mentioned it and I’vebeen mulling it over in my mind for weeks wondering if I should or shouldn’t doit.

My mom thinks it’s a bad idea. She thinks it’s a bad idea as if I’m going toforce her to do it or something.

I’m not really worried that I won’tbe able to eat chocolate, bananas or peanut butter.

The thing that’s holding me back isthat it seems like a lot of work. Youreally have to be aware of everything you’re eating, which isn’t a bad idea,but probably super hard for someone who eats mindlessly sometimes.

But then the other side of it isthat I’m probably going to feel amazing physically and mentally. The detox qualities are probably ideal beforean embryo transfer and sticking with it for 3 weeks will really boost myself-esteem especially since I’ll likely lose a bit of weight as well.

After cutting out dairy I returned to feeling balanced so quickly, the thought of this diet has me wondering if I'll feel that much better after 3 weeks of fairly clean eating.

So any advice?

I think being prepared is probablygoing to be key. I’m mentally preparinga list of places to go and stuff to pick up so I think I’m probably going togive it a try.

Yikes, Where’s My Brain?

2012-01-20T21:56:00.000-05:00

Arrg, it’s freezing here. The thermometer outside the back door was-38C (-36F) this morning. We’ve had the mildestwinter I can recall but this week has been bitter and I’m not used to it. I actually jogged part way to the buildingfrom my car this morning. It’s normally about4-5 minute walk.

Thankfully it wasn’t windy but mylips were still starting to freeze and hurt. My legs feet gangly and wouldn’t bend and move normally. My fingers and toes were getting numb. My hair was becoming frosty where my breath washitting it. My nose hairs were getting acoating of frost and feeling heavy.

And still, I don’t dry my hair inthe morning. When I leave my house, if Ihave to sweep the car, my hair will freeze and make crunching sounds when itmoves. It dries amazingly fast in thewinter drying completely about 2 hours quicker than in the heat of summer.

It’s supposed to warm up tomorrow. And I hope so because the thought of gettingout of my car and going to the gym and then back outside to my car has stoppedme from going even once this week.

So my goals for the weekend:

Exercise,
Learn more about the EliminationDiet and decide if I want to give it a try. The copy of Delicious Detox came in today,
Clean the growing stack of clutter onmy desk,
Do something crafty or creative.

I had an email from the clinic todaythat my credit card was declined (cue super embarrassment). I checked my balance online and figured therewas no reason for it to be declined so I called the credit card company. Turns out the clinic entered the wrong securitycode.

I met with my investment guy onWednesday about a line of credit. Ithink I’ll probably get it with them. I calledmy bank last night and the person on the phone couldn’t tell me about lines ofcredit. Hmmm, not sure why, I figuredthat would be part of the job. The baserate was higher than what my investment guy quoted so I figure I’ll not do anybetter with my bank (providing they could actually talk about lines of credit).

I reduced my monthly contribution toinvestments by about 80%. I figure Ishould be able to pay off this coming cycle pretty quickly and not dip anyfurther into my savings. I’m pretty sureit’s the beginning of the end with this investment guy. I think my Tax Free Savings Account is stillworth less than what I gave to them even though overall I’m back above mystarting point, barely.

I realized today that I signed theapplication for line of credit without reading it. My guy was going to hold it until I gave himthe go ahead so I just emailed asking him to send me a copy. Yikes, where’s my brain?

Mom & Pop

2012-01-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

My folks are in Winnipeg today formy dad’s consult with a vascular surgeon about his aneurysm. I tried to convince them to stay the nightbut they wanted to do the trip in the same day.

They aren’t home yet but they didcall to let me know they are alive and waiting at the airport.

I was nervous sending them out oftown alone. Last night I realized Iwould have rather gone with my dad then let my mom go and I volunteered to gofor his surgery.

I made a document for them yesterdaywith taxi and hotel numbers (just in case), a couple malls to shop at, and somemaps just so they’d know where to go. Iput it all in a folder with their boarding passes letter from the doctor’soffice, and travel grant to have the doctor sign.

My dad showed me his wallet lastnight to see if I thought he had enough money (or maybe he was just showing offhis new Canadian polymer one hundred dollar bills).

When we were talking last night Ithink I had my dad’s attention when I offered to let him take my Kindle oriPad. I can’t believe this 74 year oldis so willing to try out technology.

My dad has to decide what method ofsurgery he wants and call the surgeon tomorrow. They said the risk of surgery is 3-5% so this makes me happy.

I was at the drug store after workwhen I realized my family was all out of town. I felt lost and alone for a minute. I was thinking that if I car troubles or something I’d have to call afriend when I would normally just call home. It was kind of strange.

It’s really cold here and the houseis freezing because we heat with wood and no one was home all day to keep itloaded.

I think I might bake some cookies towarm the place up and so it smells nice when my folks get home.

Zen

2012-01-17T22:25:00.001-05:00

I’ve been trying to improve my sleephabits, so like most things that I have good intentions about I completelybombed. Sunday night I got into a bookand was up until 2 am. I resisted coffeeduring the day.

Yesterday I felt I was probablygoing to stay up late again so I took melatonin around 9:00 and shut the lightsoff just after 11. Against thenaturopath’s advice I took it again tonight. I’m hoping to establish good sleep habits again.

I had my meeting with Crush todayand gave him the beer. I told him thestory about why I respect him so much. He had nice things to say about me too. It was really hard sitting across from him when I wanted to be on theother side of the desk finding out what his body heat felt like mixed with mine.

I’m so terrible with men. Did I forget to pay attention somewhere? I didn’t take phys ed in high school so maybethey taught it in that class.

I did drop the stupidest hint Icould come up with about not drinking alone, which I totally don’t think hegot. I think there’s probably no hope ofgetting to know him, since I can’t seem to ask him out for coffee and we reallydon’t work together anymore now that I’m on this new project. But I do know he’ll be thinking of me when hehas a beer. Turns out it’s one of hisfavourites.

In the good department, I’movercoming some of my body image issues and this beer giving adventure hashelped. I was feeling self-consciousabout the message I was sending him beer but decided I don’t care, because themessage is that I like him and want to get to know him.

I’m really terrible at hiding thingsfrom people and so part of me wants to just blurt out to him that I’m reallyattracted to him and want to get together outside of work to find out if therereally is chemistry or allow me to get past my feelings.

The other plus, I lost 2 lbs thispast week at my weight loss group and I feel good about it. Good because it wasn’t a struggle like when Iwas losing weight 2 years ago; I’m feeling very zen about my body and mindthese days.

A Family Who Smokes Together...

2012-01-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

I’ve been training one of the newguys and I can’t believe how fast the days fly by. He’s quite personable and asks reallyrelevant questions so it makes it easy to go off on a tangent, which he reallydoesn’t seem to mind. It also doesn’tseem to impede his ability to follow along.

I went for a walk with G today. We’ve had the mildest January I can remember. We have hardly any snow and it’s beenabove freezing a few days this month which is really unusual for here. Today was one of them.

January has always been my leastfavourite month because it’s usually so cold, but not this year. And once we get to February it starts warmingup so the cold days never really bother me then.

Anyway, when we were out walking wesaw a very pregnant woman walking to the smoking area puffing away on a cigarette. She was followed by a 2 year old and herpartner.

G waits until they are out ofear-shot and says ‘a family who smokes together stays together’.

I couldn’t help but laugh. My reply back was that the infertile in mehad a few things she’d like to say.

Donor Egg Options

2012-01-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else had issues withcommenting on blogger? Silly question Iknow, like when you join a teleconference and the presenter asks if everyonecan hear. Hello, I probably wouldn’treply if I couldn’t hear you.

I’m finding that on some blogs Iclick the comments link and just get a white screen.

Tonight I’m going to answer thequestion from Sunflower about donor eggs in Canada.

Using donors in Canada isinteresting because it’s against the law to pay someone for their biologicalmaterial. I don’t understand thelegalities, I doubt its straight forward, and I don’t think most peopleunderstand it. I think clinics interpret the law and protect themselves and Isuspect there aren’t a lot of charges laid in this area.

You can buy sperm here but you can’tpay someone for their sperm. This meansthere aren’t many donors in Canada. But,you can buy it from a Canadian sperm bank or reseller. It’s unclear how this is different, exceptthey possibly justify it by saying they are charging for storage.

Donor eggs get complicated. Legally you can only pay a donor for reasonableexpenses.

Like any country, there arealternatives.

You can find your own donor, you canpay someone to find you a donor, you can go out of the country, or you can usea donor agency.

I tried finding my own donor and had4, I think, responses and approached someone who was willing. She turned out to be, possibly, crazy so Icut things off before she got attached to me. In the end I didn’t want to interview people and possibly get to knowthe donor first.

I spoke to a fertility consultantwhen I headed down the donor road. Theconsultant had quite a bit of experience, but in the end it sounded way moreexpensive than the other options. Shealso said there was a flat rate to the donors and didn’t attempt to disguisethis as reasonable expenses. I didn’twant to take my chances with going to prison.

I was in the process of working withan international clinic.

My old clinic works with aninternational clinic that coordinates clinics and patients around the world. If I had gone this route I could have gone toany number of clinics globally for an embryo transfer. I was considering using a donor in Mexico andthen either flying to Mexico City for a transfer or shipping eggs back here forfertilization and transfer.

I ended up being disappointed withthe choices going this route and I really hated the coordinator. She was rude and incredibly insensitive.

I really liked my old clinic anddidn’t want to leave them but they were really only willing to use a knowndonor or the international option.

I ended up switching clinics andusing an agency. The agency is globaltoo, but they are from the US. I paythem and don’t know how they distribute the money. They have donors all over the world includingCanada.

There are other options too such asusing an egg bank. I decided against thisbecause of the cost for 2 embryo. Itended up costing me more for 3 embryos; I gambled and lost. I also wasn’t sure if I could get eggsshipped to Canada (I believe one of the clinics that does this had a 6 monthwait), so it was starting to look like a huge amount of travel (andcoordination) to make this happen.

I like the agency option because I canget everything done in Toronto (on flight) and I don’t have to get too involvedwith the donor. I also have the chance,if things go well, to have a couple embryos left over for a second try ifthings don’t work, or a second pregnancy if they do.

Financial Planning Class

2012-01-14T22:35:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a fairly unproductiveday. This seems to be the trend on mySaturdays.

I decided I should probably log intothe investment class I’m taking and see if I need a textbook. Well I do and with tax and shipping it’s$300. WTF? Some of my niece’s textbooks are thatexpensive too. They sure have jumpedsince I went to college 12 years ago.

I think it will force me to beengaged in the class. The other thing tothink about is that this is one of four courses that combined will allow you tobecome a certified financial planner. It’snot something I even planned on doing but I sure would like to be able tohandle my own money better.

Speaking of money. I’ve received my statement from my investorand it looks like my investments are above the amount I’ve invested. It’s just a bit but better than being in thehole.

I still don’t want to remove anymore money. I am meeting with myinvestment guy on Wednesday and I’ll make a decision about the line of creditand stopping my monthly contribution. Iactually think I may just reduce my monthly contribution by 80%. Then I’ll still be saving something and willpay off the line of credit as well.

Come on next cycle, be the one. I don’t want to spend any more money with nosuccess.

Results

2012-01-13T22:38:00.002-05:00

I had a good day today. I got the results from my mammo andultrasound from health records and it the radiologist suspects it a benign cystor a varixwhich sounds a swollen vein.

I would believe either diagnosissince I have a great big visible vein right on top of the bump. I’ve had the vein as long as I canremember. I have trouble writing ‘aslong as I can remember’ because I can remember a lot of years I dressed in thedark and I surely didn’t look at my breasts until I was at least in my 20s.

OMG, I was such a prude. Now I take of most of my clothes wheneverasked by a healthcare professional. Sometimes I even ask if they want me to take my clothes off as soon asthey walk in the room. This is a goodside effect of infertility in my opinion.

There were no recommendations on thereport besides a mammo next year but I see my GP on Jan 23^rd and she’llexplain it to me.

Words in the report that soundreassuring. No suspiciousshadowing. No mammographic evidence ofmalignancy in either breast.

Oh, coincidence of coincidencestoday. My friend that I spoke ofyesterday emailed me. WTF?

I used to have a friend that thishappened too frequently. I’d be thinkingof her and then 10 minutes later I’d get an email out from her. When I told her how frequently this happenedshe used to say that we’re connected. Ireally need to call her.

Anyway, he asked what I’ve been uptoo. I tried to be positive but did saythat this past year was the worst of my life and I did tell him about all myworries in December, but I don’t think it sounded negative.

I don’t even think I mentioned thefull extent of December here.

Aside from the failed pregnancy testand my grandfather dying on Dec 5^th. My dad had 2 procedures to remove skin cancer and I had to go out of myway to contact the surgeon who has been following him to find out where his referralwas (he’s seeing another surgeon out of town next week, finally). I also had the non-responsive potential donor,issues at work, and discovered the breast lump. One of my great-uncles in Germany died on Christmas Eve.

Another great-uncle died the otherday, within 17 days of his brother. Mygranny is the second oldest sibling and the last surviving. In a way I’m glad she has Alzheimer’s so she won’tremember or process this.

Today I’m in a much better placethan a month ago. I had stopped worryingabout the lumps but was still motivated to get the results so I could close thebook on it. Work is looking up and I hada long chat with Crush on the phone today.

I believe he really respects mewhich makes me proud because he’s one of the most ethical and fair people I’vemet. I understand what motivates him atwork and really respect it. I just wishI understood what motivated him outside of work.

I’m meeting with him Tuesday; hewants my input on the transition to a new support person. He understands it could put me in a difficultposition, but I’m meeting with him anyway.

I was going to go buy him a bottleof something fancy as a thank you for the great working relationship and therespect he’s shown me. But he’s notreally a fancy guy and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable so I bought 6 ofmy dad’s favourite beer. I know he likesbeer, this is higher end yet it’s not extravagant.

Disposable

2012-01-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

I mentioned a while back that I wasn’treally sure where I stand with one of my friends. I was going to ask him for coffee and see howhe responded.

He’s part of my group of schoolfriends that meet every couple of months for dinner so the last round of emailsI replied to him and asked if he wanted to get coffee one of these days. No response.

I figured maybe because he wasn’tattending he didn’t read the email thinking it would be plans for dinner. So, I emailed him a week later directly andasked if he wanted to get coffee. Therewas friendly reply and he said coffee would be good so I replied back askinghow the following week was. Again, noresponse.

He also missed a group dinnerrecently and was not available for the one we were planning for next week.

So I’m a little confused byhim. I’ve always found that when he’s ina relationship I rarely hear from him. The current relationship must be serious because they are engaged somaybe his lack of communication is a mirror of the seriousness of therelationship.

Or, he can’t stand being aroundme. I’ve never cried to him. I’ve been down in the dumps but still able togo out and pretend I’m happy and carry on a conversation. I did show my immense sadness in an email inthe spring. But he knew what I was goingthrough and I would expect a friend (a good friend) would probably have emaileda while later to see how I was doing.

But I got nothing. I only ever hear from him, and it’s usually shortresponses.

I bumped into him at the gym at thebeginning of December and he acted normal. He introduced me to his boyfriend, who looked miserable, so it crossedmy mind that his boyfriend has heard enough about me… okay, he looked miserablebefore the introduction so it couldn’t have been me.

I’m not really sure what to do. I kind of want closure on this. I don’t want to end the friendship. I don’t want to make things bad by asking what’swrong if he’s just that wrapped up in his own life.

One option is to wait until somethingsignificant happens like he breaks up with his boyfriend (based on past historythis is likely) or I get pregnant and then bring it up.

Like, I’m sorry you broke up; youmust feel terrible, talk to you later. Oh, you want to talk, sorry I’m still licking my own wounds that youcouldn’t bother to ask me about so I’m pretty sure I don’t want to support yoursorrow now.

Or, yep I’m finally pregnant (godwilling). I would have emailed youearlier but I was under the impression that you hated me for having miscarriages,not getting pregnant and then being sad about it.

Of course I don’t think I can everbe friends with him like we were. He’smade me feel like our friendship is disposable.

Lots of Stuff - Mostly Random

2012-01-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

My throat is a wreck tonight. I spent most of the day with one of myreplacements at work and I didn’t realize how much I have a lot to say. I’ll probably be with him most of theafternoon tomorrow and a few days next week. I have a lot of knowledge to transfer and don’t really have a good senseof how best to do it.

I should probably say that 2 days into it I don't really mind new guy #2 although he was late to meet with me this morning which kind of aggravated me. I got over it pretty quick when he charmed me by paying attention to me the rest of the day.

I had lunch late today and during a meetingat 2:00 (I hate when people eat during meetings). I asked if the 2 people minded, one said yes,and I figured she was joking so I proceeded to dig in. I didn’t finish eating everything I brought soI’m really hungry tonight.

I had a good dinner then some chocolateand cookies but really didn’t find them satisfying so I think I’m going to justgo to bed.

I’ve had a productive night. I reviewed a document for an expert panel Iwas recommended for. When I first gotthe email in the fall I figured someone had me confused with someone else, butthey didn’t so I agreed to do it (mostly because it sounded cool and I likeworking with the really smart people). Iactually did have some comments – go figure.

I also signed up for an investmentclass this evening. Watch out now mymoney is in real danger.

My investment guy emailed back thathe wants to meet about the line of credit (okay, why do we have email if Istill have to drive to your office to get anything done). He did say that my investments have recoveredquite a bit since my last statement (um, ok, is my money now at least worthwhat it was when I gave it to you). Waittill he finds out I’m changing my monthly contribution.

I ran out of work today at lunch andsend out my down payment for the new donor. The bank must have a record of activity because she asked if I was got alot of US money orders and if anyone had spoken to me about a US account.

I wanted to say something wacky like“I’m just trying to get knocked up, once I’m finished paying for donors I won’tneed US money orders (or your damn service charges motherfucker)”. Yikes, where did that come from.

Passive-Aggressive

2012-01-10T23:02:00.003-05:00

This will probably soundpassive-aggressive, but sometimes it’s fun to sit back and observe a situation.

The new guy that got hired a fewmonths ago is taking over some of my responsibilities at work. To make a long story short, he was planningon developing a tool to compare 2 files. Okay, he may be more qualified than me (loads of sarcasm here) but I wassmart enough to search the internet and download something for free and doesn’trequire days of development.

New guy number 2 who is taking oversome more of my responsibilities asked me today what he’s going to be workingon. Hmm, working on? You’re doing software support (as boring as that might sound). Did someone fail to tell you that you’re waytoo over-qualified?

Honestly, I didn’t get theimpression that he wants to work for us anyway. I got the impression that he was trying to decide if he’s staying intown or moving away after his 5 month contract is over.

I think my supervisor is going tohave her hands full keeping these people interested and/or hiring new peoplewhen they get bored.

I’m a wreck with my weight thesedays. I gained again this week. That’s 4 weigh-ins in a row. I’m just sick of it. I figured when my period started my foodcravings would stop but they haven’t. The annoying thing is that I’ll be eating something I think I really wantand I’m not even enjoying it.

This is something that I really needto get under control. I’d like to drop12 lbs before an embryo transfer but at this rate I’ll gain 12. If it gets much worse I’m going to have toupsize my clothes.

So, here it is. I’m going to try my hardest for the rest ofthe week to break my sugar addiction. AndI’m going to read the info from the naturopath on the elimination diet.

And what sort of crazy am I. I just realized I haven’t heard back frommedical records about my mammo and ultrasound results and I’m not the least bitworried.

I do kind of want to talk to my momabout it but I don’t want to stress her out about it. So hopefully I can get them tomorrow and thentell her.

Results, Donor, and Wal.mart Bathroom

2012-01-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

I went to Wal.mart and bought a setof sheets today. I love this idea ofgetting more and better sleep. My planwas to buy fabric and make sheets but after 5 minutes in the fabric store Irealized they would cost less and be better quality fabric if I bought them.

I’ve been down to one set of sheets forabout a year. They get removed from thebed on Sunday, washed, dried and put back on the bed. Yesterday I noticed a small hole in the topsheet. I figured I better get a new setbefore I ended up sleeping on towels.

I get a little nervous going toWal.mart. I like deals and variety but Ialways leave annoyed. Luckily it wasquiet there tonight. Quiet in that thereweren’t many people. There was a guy ona cell phone yelling “we’re in the lego aisle”. I’m not sure why he needed the cell phone since I’m pretty sure youcould hear him throughout the store.

I even overcame my fear of thewashroom. I don’t dislike the bathroombecause it always seems dirty. I’m sureit’s not real dirt but think they might just decorate it to look like that.

What worries me about the bathroomis that I’m going to walk in on someone delivering a baby in the toilet. Okay, it’s not like I’m afraid, I just wonderwhat I would do if I walked into that. I’mworried that I don’t have any morals and I’d just walk out. Or, since I’ve been stricken with infertility(OMG, that’s so tragic sounding) I’d probably wrap the baby up in my shirt, takeit home and put infertility behind me.

This is what I love aboutblogging. I can put all my neuroses outthere for the world and people don’t seem to mind.

So, I have new sheets. They’re the most boring colour of beige. I think you’re supposed to uses neutralcolours in your bedroom too, which doesn’t make sense if you have a sleep maskon, but whatever, I’m willing to try most everything.

I went to medical records today tosee if I could get copies of my mammo and ultrasound results. They weren’t ready but the clerk took myextension and said she’d check this week and call me. This was very nice. She doesn’t even know me.

My donor is scheduled for herscreening the week of Jan 23^rd. So it looks like I’m jumping on the roller coaster again. I already hate the 2 week wait.

Back to School

2012-01-08T22:24:00.001-05:00

My dear niece went back to collegetoday. I’ve booked flights to go spendher birthday with her in February.

This afternoon I sat around obsessivelyclicking the refresh button on a few flight tracking websites until she met upwith a friend to drive the last leg (no a single one wasn’t good enough eventhough my technical knowledge tells me they probably were all querying acentral data repository).

My sister came to the airport - late. Luckily (for her and niece), there was thelongest line I’ve ever seen waiting to pass through security so my niece hadn’tmade it into the secure area yet and so they got to say a quick goodbye.

I asked my niece how much they hadseen each during the 3 weeks she was home and it wasn’t much. I’ll tell you my sister is lucky this kid isloyal. I think I stuck it out for awhile with my biological father too until it got too difficult for a youngwoman to deal with.

And I was sitting around last nightfeeling guilty that I hadn’t done more with my niece while she was home. I wonder if my sister even realizes what’sshe’s missing. I suppose it’s the sameas someone who isn’t infertile not realizing how hard it can be to get pregnant.

This is really something I need todo a better job remembering when I become a mother. And I need to give some thought to my niece’sspring break.

Of course we do have moments ofgoofy fun. Like last night. This is a picture of us modeling my sleepmasks and trying out the time on my camera. The sleep masks are recommendedby the naturopath. More on that at alater date.

A couple things about thispicture. My shirt is wet because I hadjust washed my face. If you’re thinkingthat pink thing by my elbow looks like a knitted uterus and fallopian tubes,you would be correct. Here’s the pattern. I’m not really into knittingsweaters. I found a knitted digestive system recently and have been dreaming of it.

I emailed my investment guy thisevening for information on lines of credit.

My thought is that I’ll get a lineof credit now and use it to pay off my next cycle from my credit card and thenpay the line of credit off in payments with lower interest than my creditcards. Then I won’t have to take anymore money out of my savings, which would constitute a loss since my money isworth less now than when I gave it to the investment guy.

I have some long term thinking to do. I understand that investments can go up anddown but this guy asked me specifically how much of my savings I was willing tospend on fertility treatments and I told him ‘all of it’.

Why on earth would he put this moneyin a situation where its value could decrease until he knew he had it long term? I can’t blame him for the economy but he knewthere was a potential that I would withdraw everything. I’m just as angry at myself because I shouldhave asked more questions.

So, I think this is a decentapproach unless anyone has a suggestion.

By the way, I’m only asking himabout a line of credit because I was offered a pretty good rate on a loan awhile back (and I want him to know I’m not happy). I will shop around. After the line of credit is settled, I’m stoppingmy monthly contributions.

I’ll leave the lump I have with himuntil its value is back up and then I’ll decide if I’m staying with him or notand it’ll probably be not. I now havetrust issues with him, mainly that I don’t trust him to do the right thing withmy money.

Canadians

2012-01-07T20:56:00.000-05:00

I don’t have much to say today butthought everyone could use a good laugh.

This video, Canada for President,was referenced on the front page of the local newspaper today and on theCanadian news channels too. I think itsummarizes Canadian humour pretty well yet it was created by a former USmarine.

I hope everyone finds it funny. Oh, I have the exact red mittens hanging tothe right of his head. They’re on thepassenger seat of my car right now.

I have a funny “You know you’reCanadian when…” story from this week too. Iwas on the phone with a colleague trying to arrange an upgrade. It will require the colleague to work acouple hours in the evening. He says tome “hold on I have to check the hockey schedule”.

So the upgrade is planned for a nightthat the team he follows isn’t playing.

Good thing I follow the same team. LOL. Canadians and their hockey.

Trust Your Instincts

2012-01-06T21:37:00.000-05:00

Sounds like I have a new donor. She wasn’t interested in any contact in 18years and I decided that’s okay with me. This donor feels very right. Ican’t explain it and I have to say that I didn’t have any negative feelingsabout my last donor (until she responded poorly), but this one just feelsright.

I have a feeling I’ll get pregnantthis time. I have these feelingssometimes and they end up being right. But then sometimes I think I just confuse it with what I really want andjust get lucky.

I really wish I were more excitedbut I think I’m just too battered and bruised from this journey to feeloverwhelming hope about it. Hopefully itwill come back. I’d prefer to beexcited.

I was at the naturopathyesterday. We went over my treatmentplan and she gave (sold) me a tincture that was specially mixed for me and alsoprenatal vitamins. The tincture smellslike cough syrup.

We talked about exercise and dietand even spirituality. I told her aboutmy peaceful spot in the woodsand she said to go there often. She alsorecommended some books on meditation/spirituality by Pema Chodron.

We talked about trying theelimination diet to try to figure out if there are other foods I’m sensitiveto. I’m interested so will give it somethought over the weekend. It might be agood reboot to get me back on track.

I’m so interested in this kind of healthcarebecause I feel so involved. I’m the onedoing the work and I’m doing it for me and it feels good and right.

I had a bit of a breakthrough withmyself today. I’ve been feeling quitepeaceful since my visit with the naturopath which also happens to be day one ofmy cycle. I had a meeting with mysupervisor today and I was able to get over my anger with her and at least notbe hostile towards her.

I figure I can continue to hate thesituation and hope things will backfire on her but I don’t have to showthat. I also still have to do a good joband it’s harder when you have a big hate on for everything. It was a lot easier too when I realized todayhow much I like the other 3 people on the new project.

Today was the closing date for theother jobs that came up. I didn’t applybut I did pass along some additional information to my colleagues.

I had my mammo and ultrasoundtoday. It’s become pretty normal to displaymy private parts to others. Theultrasound tech was one of my favourites. She did one of my last follicle studies and I really like her quiet andthorough way.

The techs reviewed my last mammo andconfirmed that this is the same spot they were looking last time when I gotcalled back for a compression mammo and ultrasound for what was likely a dilatedduct.

They told me my family doctor shouldhave the results in 2 weeks. I askedwhen the radiologist would read them and they said likely this weekend. I almost laughed because my group supportsreport distribution at the hospital and I’m 95% certain my doctor will get thereports within an hour of them being signed off by the radiologist. I will go to medical records next week andget copies ahead of time.

Funny thing. I noticed my breast hasn’t been sore at all onthe lumpy spot for about 2 weeks. Myperiod started yesterday and, voila, it’s slightly sore again.

I had to post this picture. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant for mydad’s birthday today and this message was in my fortune cookie. Normally I think this stuff is pure fun, butI love the message; it’s very appropriate for me.

Donor Update

2012-01-04T22:54:00.001-05:00

I’ve had a busy day. I went to the gym after work and spent 45minutes on the elliptical, then I ran to the grocery store to pick up somestuff for the Moroccan Chicken Stewthat sounded like it would make nice lunches, then I cooked it, which tooklonger than expected.

So, I have a nice lunch for tomorrow(and a few for the freezer) but I’m not going to get to bed early tonight.

It makes me feel satisfied to cooksomething healthy for myself. I used todo this sort of thing in 2010 and the freezer always had a few quick meals,blueberry bran muffins, and homemade protein bars.

I need to get back to this.

Oh, I sort of have a donor. The agency replied that she has agreed to donatebut I guess they talk to the donors before they give an official yes and theyhaven’t done that yet.

I reminded the agency to ask herif she’s willing to be contacted in 18 years. I’m going to recommend that the agency make this standard practice toask donors up front. It doesn’t have tobe a deal breaker for them, but it allows the intended parents to know this upfront. I’m sure I saw it on one donorprofile but not all of them.

If I Do Have Cancer...

2012-01-03T21:34:00.000-05:00

So the place not to go when you’reinfertile is the main hallway of the hospital I work at just after 3:00pm. It would seem by the number ofbabies in carriers I saw today that this is when they all get discharged.

I even saw a couple who each hadone; my first thought was "twins, I should ask them if they really want both". You may be laughing but this was really thefirst thing that went through my mind.

This evening at my weight loss group(cripe I’ve gained 36 pounds in the past 2 years – most of it this year) my momwas talking about a weight loss book she is reading and how the author couldn’thave kids and cried and ate all day on Mother’s Day until she had somerevelation (sorry, I was trying really hard not to pay attention) and has lostweight and only cries a bit.

I almost lost it and from thenumerous cracks in my mom’s voice I don’t think she was far behind. The only thing that kept me sitting there wasthat if I got up and left I’d have to come back for my jacket and people wouldask what was wrong and then I’d really fall apart.

On the fertility front I have myintroduction letter out to a new donor and am waiting to hear back. I figure I’ll start looking at other donorsagain tomorrow just in case she doesn’t respond. I think they forwarded the letter to heryesterday.

It’s really amazing how long thispart takes. I understand it’s happeningover the holidays and the last donor who was approached on my behalf wasunresponsive but it’ll be a month tomorrow since I started trying to secure mysecond donor and I’m no further ahead.

I have a mammo and breast ultrasoundbooked for Friday. I called my doctor’soffice today to book the follow up appointment which she said to do for a weekto 10 days after the mammo and I’ve got an appointment on Jan 23. I probably should have made a fuss to thereceptionist that this wasn’t just a routine mammo but that I have lumps in mybreast.

I’m hoping that if I do have cancerthat they actually get an urgent result and call me in sooner.

Actually, I should be able to getthe result from health records sooner and if I do have cancer I’ll bring theresult over to the new patient booking office at the cancer centre and use allthe goodwill I’ve accumulated over the years and get the girls to book me inwithout the proper referral.

I can’t believe I’m typing ‘if I dohave cancer’.

Work and Money

2012-01-02T19:58:00.001-05:00

Well it’s back to worktomorrow. I’m not really looking forwardto it, but I guess I must work since I doubt I can make a living (and affordfertility treatments) by sitting on my arse playing with my iPad. Blah.

I’ve been thinking about work anddecided I need to give some thought to finding another career. I’m not sure if it’s the past 6 months andfeeling unappreciated at work or if this is just something that would have happenednaturally.

I’ve worked at my current job almost10 years which is about 8 years longer than I’ve worked anywhere. Pay and benefits are great but I’m just notthrilled to be there. I see other peoplethat seem fulfilled and enjoy the work and feel bad that I’m not one of them.

I’ve got around 20 years tillretirement, which will probably be 25 if I have kids. I’m not sure I’ll like who I’m bound tobecome if I stay somewhere feeling unfulfilled.

I also had a minor freak-outyesterday when I opened the statement from my investment company. Considering everything I’ve added toinvestments and everything I’ve taken out I have less money today than when Igave it to them a couple years ago. Priorto signing up with this company I had my money in a savings account that grewevery year, even if just by a bit.

I have trust issues with my money inthe first place and have always preferred the idea of taking care of my owninvestments but realize I don’t have the knowledge to do that.

I felt sick when I realized thatfrom July – September the value of my investments has dropped by more than I’veinvested which makes me feel like I might as well have flushed the money downthe toilet. I’m trying to convincemyself that it’s just the economy but the trouble is I know nothing about howmy investments should be doing.

I considered stopping my automatic depositbut if the market is just down then now would be the time to invest. I also considered emailing the guy whohandles my account and asking him WTF but I just realized the statement endedin Sept so I should be getting a new one soon. If it’s down again I’m not sure what to do.

I decided to sign up for aninvesting course but found there really isn’t much here except online. I was hoping to get out and meet some peoplebut I don’t think that’s going to happen so I’m currently exploring onlinealternatives. This is something I’vewaited on too long.

Intentions and Wellness

2012-01-01T23:31:00.001-05:00

I think I’m in love with myiPad. For the most part all I’ve done isplay on it for the past couple days. Ireally wanted to get some stuff done but haven’t. I have made a few weak attempts to findsomething enlightening or educational. I’vedecided to cut myself some slack and say I deserved a mental break.

I’m not normally that tied toanything but for the past year or so I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and thisjust felt easy. I realized it a whileback. I’m not sure how to overcome it,but figure goal setting might be a way. It’s a strange feeling. I justfeel like everything is too difficult. I’venever felt that way before and it really takes an effort to do anything (hmm,sounds a little like depression too).

I had this thought the otherday. When I’ve lost weight in the pastthe motivation was for someone other than myself (although I guess indirectlyit was for me).

When I started about 6 years ago itwas for my niece, 2-4 years ago it was for my fertility and future child. I really was doing it for other people and thinkingof them motivated me.

In talking with the acupuncturistand naturopath I’ve come to realize this and that I need to be healthy for me.

With the exception of Boxing Day Ibelieve I’ve exercised at least a half hour a day since seeing thenaturopath. I didn’t feel like going outtoday but did, so I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

I’ve been eating better too andtrying to follow the naturopath’s instructions although I’m still eating toomuch junk and not getting enough sleep. Dairy and caffeine are out and water and special tea are in.

I’ve been thinking about my goals orintentions for this year and think I need to address my wellness. It appeals to me because it sounds so roundedand encompassing. I’m not quite sure howto tackle it right now but I guess I’ve got a year to work on it.

I feel like I’m on the way to abreakthrough because this post is so rambling and disjointed.

Good Riddance

2011-12-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

Good riddance 2011.

In 2010 I bleed buckets of blood andin 2011 I just bleed money, which is almost as horrible.

I’m hopeful for 2012 but thepessimistic cynic in me keeps saying ‘maybe 2012 will be worse’. This month has been terrible but I can listcountless ways that it could have been worse.

I wanted to set some goals for thenew year but haven’t gotten around to it because I’ve been too busy wastingtime on my iPad. Today when I looked onthe app store I noticed the top 10 paid apps are all games. Do you think S.teve J.obs intended this neatlittle device to just be a toy?

Okay, there’s a goal for 2012, findsome ways to use my iPad productively. Idid download the user guide and Call of the Wild (dad’s random suggestion).

I wish everyone good things in 2012. I wish motherhood for myself and for all ofyou still waiting and hoping.

Although trying to conceive has beenthe key thing on my mind the past 4 years I’ve come to realize that there isn’tmuch I do to try to enjoy life. Whilegetting pregnant will make me happy it isn’t going to sustain me over my life.

I’m probably not saying thisright. I want to be a mother more thananything and I know it will bring a lot of happiness into my life, but it’s notgoing to make me blissfully happy the rest of my life.

I was stuck before I started TTC andI’ll continue to be stuck whether I become a mother or not and this really issomething I need to figure out and work on.

Snow

2011-12-29T23:16:00.001-05:00

I had a busy day today, at least bymy standards.

We were forecast for 1 cm of snowand got at least 6 inches (15 cm). So Idid some shoveling and then strapped on my snowshoes for the first time thisseason. My body felt the effort.

It was a great day for snowshoeingbecause the temperature was just below freezing so comfortable for me and thesnow didn’t clump and stick to my snowshoes (which would have made it harder). I wouldn’t mind a few more days of that. It’ll take a while to get my trails set. I barely covered half of what I normally doand was struggling. I had to stop andrest quite often. It’s a testament tohow out of shape I’ve let myself get.

Then I drove to town for a massageand acupuncture. Both were greatphysically and mentally.

The acupuncturist and I talked aboutmy weight issues. It frustrates mebecause I understand what I need to do in the area of exercise and fitness butfor some reason I don’t do as good a job as I should. I’m committed to figuring out what’s going onin my head but not really sure how.

This evening I picked up myi.pad. Yay. I had no good reason to get one, except mymom was looking to buy me something for my birthday and Christmas so we splitthe cost.

It felt a little frivolous playingwith it this evening, since it appears to be very much a toy, but I’m sure I’llcome to accept and enjoy such a costly thing (oh, I’m okay with it now).

Funny story. It took 4 days to get engraved and shippedfrom China to my city, and then 5 days to get from my city to the place where Icould pick it up (10 miles). Iunderstand this crossed over the holidays but wow, the last 1% took longer thanthe first 99%.

Lazy

2011-12-28T21:52:00.002-05:00

I’ve been really lazy the pastcouple days. I mean really lazy. I’ve done nothing except get outside forabout a half hour each day. Oh, andclean most of the pile of papers on my desk. It wasn’t that big though and I really didn’t have the heart to open thereceipt from the wtf appointment.

I meant to look over the donorsagain and get the ball rolling with selecting another. In truth I’ve decided on one but feel I didn’treally look at all the others enough and felt I should do that. It’s probably pointless because I think mymind is made up.

This probably sounds really bad butthe more donors (sperm and egg) that I end up choosing the less thought I putinto it. I can’t really explainthis. It doesn’t feel like hopelessness. I just don’t think the profiles are reallygiving me that much of value about my future children.

My sister and I came from the exactsame parents, we’re 2.5 years apart, and we were raised in the same home and circumstancesand we’re complete opposites. My nieceis more like me than my sister. And bothof us aren’t really like either of my parents. So I think I’ve decided that it’s a crap shoot and the best I can do ishope for the best.

I never really over analyzed thesperm donors anyway even when I was using my own eggs. I’ve read about people printing profiles and reviewingthem with friends and really studying them.

I basically find an open ID donor, narrowit down on health background, education, and appearance (yes I do try to pick adonor with the same hair and eye colour as me because I always figured it wouldstimulate fewer questions down the road) and then pick one that doesn’t havesomething that really turns me off.

When I say ‘really turns me off’this is very subjective. They mightwrite something stupid in their questionnaire, or provide a ridiculous pictureor on the contrary I might pick one because I really liked what they said inthe questionnaire. One guy with thegreat profile made it to the final cut but was eliminated because he wasflexing his arm in the profile picture.

Deciding got quicker and easier eachcycle ormaybe I’m just lazy.

Now, it would appear that I’mpicking egg donors the same way. I don’tlike either of the ‘proven’ donors so I decided I’m not going to use either ofthem. It looks like I’m going to take mychances with another unproven donor.

Getting on Track

2011-12-27T19:49:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen this video called 23and a ½ hours: What is the single best thing we can do for our health?.

The naturopath recommended it. I have to say it has inspired me a bit. It's a clever video and so simple (and I seemto find half an hour to do all sorts of other non-productive things).

So I’ve been trying to get outsidefor walks in the woods. I didn’t get outyesterday and had those feelings that I had in other years that I really shouldhave tried a harder. Today I dragged somefallen trees up to the fire pit for my mom to burn. It was a little colder today that yesterday’srecord of 6 C, but I warmed up quick enough and enjoyed the extra fresh air. There still isn’t enough snow for snowshoes.

I’m also trying to get back in thehabit of keeping my hands busy. I usedto always work on something while I watched TV. It’s not like I watch a lot of TV; it’s usually hockey which doesn’t requirefull concentration, but this past year I’ve accomplished nothing and seem to becontent sitting there doing nothing.

So, I started a pair of child sizedsocks a couple weeks ago. I finishedthem last night. I really don’t like theshape. They seem out of proportion tome. So tonight I think I’ll start a pairwith the pink ball of sock yarn in the stash.

There really is so much I’d like to do;I can’t believe how little I accomplished this year. 2012 will have to be the year I get organizedand get back on track.

Visiting Family

2011-12-26T20:52:00.001-05:00

I must be a Grinch because I’m gladthe festivities are over and I can relax for a week.

We went to my aunt’s house thisafternoon where we visited with my fertile cousins and their kids. In fairness one of my cousins did have 2miscarriages before having 2 kids but somehow it’s still hard to be there.

If I had gotten pregnant on my donorcycle I wouldn’t have told anyone I was pregnant today but I would have feltbetter about myself being there, knowing that in a few months I could be openwith everyone about my journey. Ithought about this day during that cycle and was looking forward to feelinghappy inside.

The little ones that were bornaround my miscarriages are walking, and starting to talk and feedthemselves. They will be turning 2 thisyear.

My aunt was talking about one of mycousin’s in-laws that have been trying to get pregnant for about 10 years andhave had a number of miscarriages. Myaunt was talking about them having an embryo transferred. She had the lingo a little wrong and I wantedto correct her.

She said they thought it didn’ttake. Then they got a call that a babywas ready for them to adopt followed by finding out at their 12 week ultrasoundthat the baby was still there.

It was weird hearing about someoneelse’s fertility issues. I think itwould have been a different conversation if my aunt knew my own journey.

I asked my mom later if she found itweird listening to that conversation and she said yes. She also agreed that it was hard to hear itand not say something.

These situations make me nervousbecause I feel so inclined to say something and I know my mom feels thesame. So I sit there hoping she doesn’tslip.

I don’t really like hiding thingsand will be really happy when I don’t have to any longer.

I thought about this infertile in-lawand felt bad. I do know what she’s goingthrough and it makes me thankful that I didn’t tell everyone what I wasdoing. Imagine going through this for 10years and having to face all those people who know.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T20:32:00.001-05:00

I finally finished my wrapping thisevening. Last year I had everythingwrapped a couple days before Christmas and this year was a reminder of why.

I’ll be happy when Tuesday rollsaround and I can just keep to myself and relax or do something else that doesn’tinvolve pretending that I’m in a good mood.

I was feeling guilty this afternoonfor not being joyfully happy this Christmas. Guilty because I hope I’m not diminishing anyone else’s Christmas.

When I was at the naturopath onThursday apologizing for crying, I told her that I try tell myself that I don’thave it as bad as some people and she said while that can help put things intoperspective it’s not really fair to ourselves. She said something to the effect of if only the person who has it worseis allowed to mourn than are we saying that only one person is entitled tomourn?

I’m glad she pointed out that Isound like I’m in a state of despair because I think she’s right. But I know I’ll be okay because in spite of itI feel hopeful that there is a baby out there for me. I know that when the holidays are over I willget another donor and I will try again.

If it never works I’ll end upsurviving and I’ll be okay. In time I’llfigure out another way to fill the void in my life and to make my life feel meaningful.

But thinking about the naturopath’sadvice and my own desire to live a good life I managed to eat some vegetablesfor lunch and go out for a walk in the afternoon. My niece came for the walk which made it oneof the best walks in the woods ever.

I really didn’t want to sound sodark and negative in this post and I really wanted to offer some Christmascheer. So, I think I’ll say this, myChristmas wish to myself and everyone else out there is that I hope we all findwhat we’re looking for, and if we don’t I wish we will find meaning and valuein our lives because we are very special.

Niece walking in the field

Lumps

2011-12-23T22:51:00.001-05:00

I had appointments with the naturopathand my GP yesterday.

Naturopath first.

I loved the office. There were slippers to wear, tea and fruitwhile you waited, and lovely people who are kind and want you to be well inevery way possible.

The washroom was lovely and theydidn’t have paper towels; they had rolled up rags to dry your hands on and abasket to throw the used rags into.

The naturopath gave me some herbpills to take and mixed a special herb tea for me. We talked about most aspects of my life and Icried while talking about IVF. She wasvery supportive and mentioned that I say things that indicate I’m experiencing despair. I didn’t realize it but realized she isright.

She was very complementary about beinga single mother by choice and the strength it takes to do this.

She gave me advice about diet,exercise, and sleep (none of which I've taken yet) and told me to avoid dairy, which made me surprisinglyhappy. I can’t drink milk anyway andeven though I don’t mind yogurt when I was going to the dietician I felt like Iwas forcing it on myself. I’ve read afew things that this is a good approach for girls with endo so I’m happy to doit.

I had my doctor’s appointment aboutmy lumpy breast at the end of the day.

When I got to office there were acouple babies in the waiting room. Therewasn’t much room to sit and even though I tried to avoid them ended up sittinga couple seats from a one month old. Turns out I was in my own little world and so was my aunt because about30 minutes later I realized it was my aunt, cousin and her baby.

They feel like distant relativesbecause they are from the paternal side of the family that my mom divorced whenI was about 10. So while I know them Idon’t really know them.

I did have a nice chat with my aunt. She married my uncle when I was a teen and Ialways liked her. Her daughter is 23 anda first time mom. Apparently the babywas planned but my cousin looked a little stressed out. I really wanted to tell her how lucky she wasbut it would have been too much for me.

Oh, so the lumps. The doctor thinks they are calcifications andsaid they were too superficial to be anything serious. I wouldn’t know the difference but I’ll takeher word for it. She has requisitioned amammo, compression mammo, and ultrasound.

I mentioned the drugs from the lastIVF and she asked if I was doing another cycle and when. She figured we’d have the tests and results inenough time not to delay anything. Ireally appreciated her approach because I didn’t have to ask; she understoodand told me what I needed to know.

Today my supervisor booked a meetingwith me today and asked about my interest in this new project. It was awful because I was so emotional Icouldn’t say what I really wanted but thankfully didn’t cry (close though). I thought about emailing her and respectfullysaying what I didn’t but decided to just let it go.

I managed to not give her any commitmenton anything and to not approve or disapprove of anything she said. I think I got my point across in that she’llassign work and I’ll do it and that regardless of what it was I would do itwell.

I think she really just wanted totalk about our relationship because that was the focus of the meeting. She asked what was causing the tension and Iended the meeting when she got to the point where she was asking what she didwrong.

It’s like she’s forgotten the latesummer. I was happy that she’s concernedabout things but a little frustrated that she has no clue why I’m mad. She also seems to interpret things I’ve saidin the past in a way that isn’t what I said. I had to correct her at one point.

I tried to analyze why this all bothersme so much and I think the bottom line is they totally overlooked me. I tend to be a fairly dedicated employee so Itake this sort of thing too personally. Ithink in fairness to my supervisor, her part of it was just the straw thatbroke the camel’s back. I was ignoredand not given opportunities long before she became my supervisor, but she addeda good pile of insignificance to my abilities as well.

Now I have to figure out how to behappy enough to do a job that I’m miserable in and don’t feel like I can leave.

I managed to find my copy of The Artof Happiness at Work and I think it’s a good place to start.

Christmas Shopping

2011-12-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

I feel like maybe I’m a little bitcrazy these days. I’m starting to get onmy own nerves. I’ve been flopping aroundbetween self-pity, anger, sadness and every other negative emotion possible. It doesn’t make sense how my mood can changefrom day to day and sometimes drastically.

Of course, I changed my mind aboutwaiting on the donor and asked about a new one last night. In the last week I’ve gone from feelingdesperate to wanting to wait a couple days to asking about a new donor. I apologized to the agency for being crazy andher reply back was nice and similar to how I would reply in the samesituation. I always liked the responsesfrom this agency; they are professional with just the right amount of personaltouch.

Anyway, the new potential donor isunproven. Yep, I’m going thereagain. I figure it can’t happen twiceand if it does then this was probably not meant to be. Actually, my gut just feels right about thisone, so I hope she’s available and interested.

I did ask that they email the recentpotential donor and tell her that I’ll end this and move on and to let her knowthat from this side of things receiving a negative response would have beenmuch easier than waiting indefinitely. It would have been much less stressful for everyone than not respondingat all.

With all that December has given tome, I’ve really not been in the mood to Christmas shop but today I went to anelectronics store and handed over my credit card for a while and finished myshopping. Or so I thought.

This evening my dad came to mebecause he doesn’t know what to get my mom. He does this almost every year and usually a bit closer to Christmas. I figure that it’s my own fault; I shouldhave asked him if he needed help a couple weeks ago. Mental note for next year.

I had been feeling guilty for thecomplete lack of thought I invested in most of the gifts; I bought my dad beerfor crying out loud. I guess this is mypenance. I told my dad he could give mymom the Sudoku calendar that she requested that I’d already bought and that Ihad another idea and would go check it out tomorrow.

I really can’t leave the guy to doit himself. He just doesn’t know what todo and he’ll be heartbroken if he doesn’t get my mom something.